Drops of Peace

I stand watching the water drops fall to my feet. They fall carelessly within seconds of each other soon to be recycled to the drain beneath. The water is hot. Steam floats above my head and into the small space I occupy. Standing under the waterfall soothes my mind. Ever take such a deep breath of hot air you literally can't breathe? It's a moment of clarity. It's a moment when nothing in life matters but the next rush of oxygen entering your mouth. It's an escape from the swirling mess revolving around me. The stress evaporates for the 10 minutes of my day when my mind can take a break. Drops of purity cling to the contours of my body and wash away the frustration, anger, discouragement, sadness and guilt for the day leaving calm, sensible and happy feelings. A rush of peace surges through my body. These little things in daily life are the ones which bring me back to myself and give me meaning again. I breathe, I feel, I move on. Sighs of relief strangle the stress consuming my thoughts, squeezing them until they dissolve. Yes, it's these little things to truly make me happy. It's my moment and my moment only. After these pass, I want others to feel the same small bursts of life that I do, I want to allow those people in. Feel...smell...touch...listen....just breathe in the world around you. Enjoy the snapshots in time like this. We all need the little things. We all need our moments.

Selfish?

We're all aware of what it means. It's not often held in a positive manner nor granted points in the humanitarian aspect.

Dictionary.com defines 'selfish' as: 1. adj. Devoted to caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc.; regardless of others. It even makes you feel like less of a person just reading it, eh? Devoted. Concerned primarily. Own. Benefits. Caring. Welfare. Should these words really describe us, let alone people. They do though and more often than not. Do you know a selfish person? I do. It's me. Yes, I'll admit it even though I don't like to. I'm selfish from time to time and probably on occasion I don't even realize.

There are different kinds of selfish in response to its true definition. The obvious is in its practical form. We as human beings tend to enjoy ourselves and how everything might impact us and our lives. Everyone loves a good "me" light...some more than others. We're often caught up in a busy schedule, family crises, unnecessary drama and our own struggles pushing us toward this selfishness but never realizing it. I've done it. I know others who have done it or are like it. It can be noted as a sin but it's unfortunately unavoidable by every person. It's just whether a person is capable of removing oneself from this stance and returning to the rightful ground of sanity and reality. Bring yourself back down and focus. Know what you shouldn't be. And then, whew, you feel better knowing the podium you had previously cast yourself upon is no longer.

Another form of selfish is for desire. Think about it, how often do we want something we can't have? Desire becomes longing, which might become control or satisfying needs. This might be concerning love, food, exercise, gossip, knowledge...it's endless. At times, this selfish form is acceptable. We want what we love and need. Too much of it though can lead to the wrong form of selfishness. It's usually not until we get caught up in a moment or upset or angry when we've noticed that wall is hit. Back up. Rewind. Start again. This time, do it in more of an unselfish way. Often difficult to fix. Being selfish in love is the worst to me. You never feel good after realizing you've made the mistake of asking too much or thinking you need more than necessary. Selfish love is a no go. Sometimes you have to be but to know it's the best decision for you to be strong and fight for yourself. This too being difficult to accomplish when necessary.

I also think selfishness takes the form of greed. Despite its definite form, selfish describes entities, groups of people, countries and even individuals. We always crave more, more, more! Gotta have it. Think we need it. When in reality, we're just tangled in a falsity of greed. Maybe it's greed of power...or money...food...attention...control...monopoly...resources. I see this form as an entirety many countries take on. While hundreds of countries and its people are hanging on for just another day of light with food, other countries and its people fight to control those suffering ones and bring them down. Countries greed power and being the "ultimate." Why? Human nature.

If this one word blocks the bigger picture, then yeah, why? Who wants selfish people in this world? Granted, we're all a little selfish in some form or another. But, I think it's been created because without it, people would be almost too perfect. We need a little disorder and chaos at times. This word is trouble, yes, but also makes us imperfect and special. Why? Because we learn from these mistakes. We learn from our faults in order to make ourselves better. What a cycle. No one ever wants to be selfish but hey, it happens. Now, the important lesson is this kids, don't continue to be a selfish person if you recognize it ;) I like this imperfect world we're in. And you know what, I like that I'm imperfect too.

Fix You

I've been asked to contribute a personal vignette concerning my first experience with death. Extended family members whom I had little or no contact with never truly defined my life until my first encounter with death I still feel every single day of my life. I realize this might not be a very uplifting subject to start this whole blogging experience with, but this is on my mind now and so poignant.

My 24-year-old cousin committed suicide six years ago this summer. I still cannot believe it to this day. I still cannot accept what's happened. I still cannot accept the fact this has affected my life the way it has. I still cannot accept the negativity I have towards it and him, still.

He needed fixed. My family tried everything in their power to help him. His insides were wrong and broken. He needed hope that just didn't exist any longer. I wish I could have fixed him. I wish God could have fixed him....or more so I wish he would have allowed God to fix him.

Was he wrong for doing it? Yes. Who can ever believe taking their own life is justifiable? I'm not sure. Does the Bible punish those who commit suicide to Hell? Yes. Do I believe he's there? No. Think and hold true to what you personally feel, but I know my cousin still reached higher grounds and happier places after death. It was not until then that God repaired his broken life.

I'm still angry, bitter, depressed, saddened even years from his passing with this memory wringing itself around me for the rest of my life. Why did he do this. To himself. To our family. To religion. To me. I've never been able to move on and never will. There's no light of hopeful acceptance down the road. No value, words or experiences will ever help me bridge this emptiness and emotion I hold. But, I still love him and he's still my cousin. His heart is whole again and complete. I know he's finally happy.

We're continuously broken down and running on empty in life. We're halted to a stopping point when something in us just isn't right. The road suddenly stops, flooded with self-doubt and triumph distinguished by frustration and discouragement. Our inside mechanics rust. Now, who do we rely on to help fix us? To help place the pieces back together in a perfect fit. Who gets us started again?

For as long as I can remember, that person has been me. I don't rely on others and I don't trust many. When I'm broken, I retreat. My closure is hard and hurts. It's like a lock to an infinite abyss...no one discovers it. It's not easy, and it's not something I intentionally do despite these words. My feelings flow together to form a solid shelling around me encasing any welcoming help. There are very few I find to be similar to me in this manner. And sometimes, I feel like this is what my cousin did. He was reserved and introverted like I always have been. It's not something we want but am.

And while I am the way I am I constantly place others' happiness over mine and needing others to be all right before I am. I don't know why, but others' pain and struggles hit me ten fold, and I want to help them and support them and fix them.

Slowly and unwillingly am I continuously learning to veer from this instinct. Previous incidents and experiences made me the way I am. I can't continue to blame those events and people on the person I am. Last year truly shed warning on my life in this area...struggle and pain never seems to stop. It's losing one battle after another and breaking down until our parts repair themselves. It's learning to depend on those who really do care and support. It's learning to let go and open. It's being OK to allow others to see a part of me I hide. It's just learning.

I'm broken. I always have been and will continue to be. But, I know the people in my life, my surroundings, my experiences will put me back together again, eventually. And I'm OK with that.

I've been unlocked. Whether by you, another person or someone no longer in my life. Unlocked and broken but needing repair. I'll fix you if you help fix me.