A Letter to my Identity

Here we are...once again. I find the following entry to be appropriate for the timing. Call it seasonal writing.

I wrote the following narrative as part of a multi-genre paper concerning my adoption. The project required us to write several different pieces from varying perspectives. The objective was to "tell our story" through these various writings. A part of me felt compelled to present a piece from what I imagine to be my birth mother. Envisioning the process wasn't difficult - the words flowed with ease, actually. Maybe it's a part of me that I've put enough thought to. Maybe I just felt inspired in that moment. Maybe I felt some connection to what I hope was similar to what she experienced. Maybe a part of me wants it to be this way. Whatever may be the reason, I felt satisfied. My heart is filled by this. There's a sight of closure. Perhaps my imagination is just far-fetched. Regardless, I still think about her. Still wonder about her, still have a piece of her with me forever.
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“I hope that you have met good parents and that you will have a good life. I wish for you a beautiful life, with a beautiful face and a beautiful heart. Think of your life as precious, because you are a beautiful flower born out of pain. I cannot give you any help, but I will always pray for you. I chose your name by myself. You will remain in my heart forever with this name. How much you must have grown. I wish for you a beautiful life with God always.”

August 14, 2005

A month before her seventeenth birthday, a teenager begins to finally find acceptance in her heart. She is changed forever by a trip she never envisioned. Life begins to form new meaning as well as her identity. Although still a struggle to completely recognize herself, she is hopeful. Her mind now wonders what her birth mother might have experienced while making the most difficult decision of her life. She’s now aware and recognizes the agony that the mother must have endured. Still heartbroken and sensitive, the girl considers what life could have been and remains grateful for the future that exists.

 I Wish for You a Beautiful Life

            I sit waiting in the doctor’s office surrounded by others yet completely alone. I feel empty. I am broken. I am alone. This clock is taking forever. My palms begin to sweat. I feel faint.

            My journey begins with this visit. Pregnancy. How can this be? How could I allow this to happen? Why me? Fear arises, and I can’t comprehend what the doctor has said. Everything is muffled, and the world around me is frozen. Blurred.

            “Eun-Jung, are you okay?”

            “I’m sorry. What?”

            “I asked if you are okay. Do you have someone you can tell this to? Someone to be there?”

            I shudder at the question.

            “I’m not sure.”

****

            Mother and father also fear for my life. Disappointment is probably the better word to use. I’ve let them fall in all this. Somehow, they are supportive, and without their courage I could not do this. I know of others who have been disowned by their families, by their communities, by society. This “secret” tears families and identities apart. It’s taboo. This burden reduces relationships and hearts to nothing. I am lucky in this aspect as it could be much worse. However, I have no strength to tell him. I am scared.

****

            “Eun-Jung? Eun-Jung, what’s with you today?”

            Silence.

            A touch on the shoulder allows me to know he cares. At least in this moment.

            “I’m leaving for work soon.”

            “Okay.” I can feel the spite from him already forming.

            “Is there something on your mind?”

            “No.” Yes.

            “Okay. I am off then. I will see you later.”

            He begins to walk away, and in that moment I consider the thought of losing him. Maybe it is best I just abort. I could still keep the man I love without him ever knowing what has happened. This burden would no longer latch itself to my every being. I am disgusted. With it. With myself. I do not want to lose Ji-Hoon. It hasn’t been easy with him, but who will I have otherwise? Yet, as much as I cannot bear this burden, this baby, I already know what my heart has decided. 

            My heart is pounding. The thump, thump, thump leaps higher into my throat and seizes my voice.

            Crackled, I whisper, “Ji-Hoon. Wait.”

****

            I am alone in this. He never returned from work that day in February. I knew he wouldn’t. The commitment was never there. For some reason, I am relieved. I no longer have to carry the weight of the relationship. The detachment was easier than I thought. Of course, it took months, but here I am. What saddens me is this baby will never know her father. She will never have that part of her identity. Yes, it is a girl! My princess. I have grown to love her in ways I cannot describe. My heart overflows with excitement to meet her all the while knowing what my heart will soon bear. I feel as if I am bipolar in all this. One moment filled with glee and the next washed away in tears. Mother and father are trying to support me. It kills me inside. No one in the family knows. They would ostracize me if they knew.

            Summer brings me new hope. It’s not unbearable for once. I traveled to Seoul the other day just to take in the city and get my mind away from the world. I visited Changgyeonggung and walked to the top of the mountainside to see over the city. In that moment I felt so full despite being so alone. The baby will be here soon. She still has no name. A part of me struggles with giving her an identity she will have to live with forever. Maybe a part of her she will never know. So many emotions encompass this journey. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish I could keep her. As the day draws near, the more I question what I’m doing. This baby has no control of her life. She has no say in what I do. I hate myself for even considering the abortion. It’s not what she deserves. I hold so much guilt in my heart and soul. This poor baby. What will she know one day? I wish I could change time.

****

            The day has come. Here I am, in the hospital, and I have no one. Mother and father decided they could not be with me today. It was too much for them to wrap their minds around. My mother incessantly sobbed while father just stood there. I do not blame them. I’ve been alone this entire trek, and I just pray my baby will never feel alone like I have.

            I look outside the hospital window and notice the breeze. I notice the early arrival of fall and the simplicity it brings to the world. A hint of jasmine lingers in my room. It reminds me of my grandmother. I wonder if I will ever tell her about this. I wonder if I’ll ever lose this feeling of shame.

            “Eun-Jung, are you ready?” The doctor interrupts my thought.

            “As ready as I can be.” That’s a lie.

            “You’ve remained unusually calm today. Know you are making the right decision. We are all here for you.”

            Here for you. The thought remains in my mind. Who is here for me? It’s just the baby and her mother. I want to protect her, protect her from this world, but I know soon that will not be an option.

            “Let’s take you back. I think you’re ready.”

            It’s time.  I am scared. I am alone. Tears start to form.

****

            Oh, my precious baby. I loved you from the moment I saw you. My heart is aching right now with happiness and sadness. I am overwhelmed with feelings I cannot describe. I can’t bear to let you go. I don’t know what to do in this moment. I wish I had someone to share this with. My baby, I love you entirely. If only I could keep you. My mind is racing. There’s so much I wish you tell you and so much I wish I could provide for you. Time is not on our side. Your eyes, your lips, your ears…they are like mine. You have very little hair, which makes me chuckle as your father had little hair as a child. Oh, how I wish you could one day know who I am and know who your father really is. Your hands grip my finger and your touch sends chills through my body. You have a gentle touch, much like your gentle heart I know you will have. You will be sensitive like your mother. I wish I could keep you. My tears are soaking your fragile skin, but I do not care. I hope they seep into your every being so just a small part of me will be with you.

            This is my prayer and wish for you, my baby. I have decided to name you Mee-Ae. It means beauty and love. Always remember this. I wish you days of endless love and delight. I wish you protection from those who might harm you. I hope you find respect in yourself and in your culture and pray you will always know you have a home here in South Korea. You are my home. You are my heart. I am with you always, Mee-Ae. Always. There won’t be a day that passes that I do not think of you and pray for you. Wondering where you are in life and what you are doing. I hope you will always be surrounded by trustworthy people and friends and family to support and encourage you. I know you will be diligent in your studies. I wish for you a future of gold and sunshine. Your smile is sunshine. It’s pure. Oh, my baby, how I want to remain with you. My heart hurts. I pray your new family will raise you well. I pray they hold you with the utmost love and tender care that I would give to you. If only I could keep you.

            Know this baby, I am with you forever. A part of me is a part of your identity. One day, I hope you can understand why I had to give you up and why I had to do what I did. My guilt will be with me forever. But I find hope in knowing you will have a better life than anything I could provide. Please forgive me. I hope you don’t hate me or become frustrated with your past. Be strong, be receptive, be happy. You are love. You are cherished. This is not good-bye, as I know I will be with you every day. My baby, find yourself. Find your own way. I wish years of success and joy for you and your new family. I am eternally grateful to them. I wish for you an abundance of love. I can never forget you. I wish you could know how much I will miss you. Be the love and beauty that is your name. I wish for you a beautiful life. 

Born to Run

Another year passes and yet I am back here to Thanksgiving! Let's just forget about my carelessness and lethargic emotion toward my writing (once again). BUT, an abundance of blessings always flood me more around this time of the year. Although these are life gifts I am thankful for each and every day, more so am I overwhelmed with how lucky I am to simply be living and breathing and healthy. In particular, an area of my life I endlessly recount as a blessing comes to mind more this year - coaching. 

Although I coach junior high girls, working with them the past few years has impacted AND changed my life in ways I would have never imagined. I now understand the meaning behind these coaches out there into their mid-to-late 50s and 60s still backing running to its core and the countless athletes that come through their programs. Never have I been blessed with the reward of these kids than any other part of my life. I was given the opportunity to do what I love and only continue to build passion upon. How often does this work out for people? 

Granted, these girls drive me up the wall crazy every single day, I repeat myself at least five times with anything I say, you're responsible for not only creating a successful team but responsible for the safety and knowledge of the girls; you have to deal with not-always-pleasant parents or the ones who think they know everything imaginable about the sport, there are multiple planning and strategic angles to conquer, and let's not forget about the raging teenage hormones and drama. Other than all those minor details, I absolutely love what I do. For that, I give thanks today to my girls and their families. There isn't quite the same gratification with coaching as with anything else. 

You want these kids to succeed. You want them to have fun. You want them to learn. And more than anything, you want to instill onto them the same great characteristics you hold for the sport and team in the same ways you once learned. Seeing their own reward when they do achieve the unthinkable is something you just can't explain. They all have their own battles and stories, and they work to succeed individually but more importantly, for the team. We are a team and beyond that nothing can surpass the unforgettable and incomparable bond that cements us together. I experienced the same emotion and heart years ago, and I want my girls to be immersed in the same. These girls challenge my patience and mind at times, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I want to protect them while pushing them past their limits...all secretly hoping they independently gain the same passion for running as I possess. 

Toward the end of the season I had the girls write down what they like most about running and cross country. This was something new I tried, and I was completely indebted to these girls after reading their responses. There's more to the 12-, 13-, and 14-year-old young women than what people provide them. Sure they make me want to shake them when they NEVER cease to stop talking or ask what we're doing after I literally just stated it (thinking about it just makes me shudder), but it goes deeper than the surface with them. They push and they pull and come out on top every time. They love life and have such natural talent and heart. I am continuously more and more driven with thankfulness because of them. They understand. They get it. They are the reason I love what I do. I wanted to share the following with everyone so you can be exposed to just a small part of what makes these kids truly awesome. Enjoy. I am filled to the brim with happiness on this day especially. 

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What I love most about cross country and running…

Is the good feeling that you can run far and not walk.

Is the joy and excitement and struggle you get from it.

Is feeling free and being part of an amazing team. I also like that it is just as much a mental sport as it is physical.

The happiness of finishing a race and the satisfaction of running my very best. Also, making lifelong friends and getting closer to my coach.

It’s fun and it’s a way to make friends. It’s also helped me become more confident, and I feel better about myself as a person because this was my first time [on a team], and I got through the season.

Is the challenge and trying so hard to beat your PR and then finally beating it.

Is that feeling when you finish running a race or practice even after feeling like crap while running it. 

That you’re never fully satisfied. Time, practice, stride, attitude…it can always be better. 

Making friends and messing with Coach Brown.

Everything!

That you will always be with someone and you will always have a team.

Hugging Coach Brown.

Making new friends, and I feel so good after I run. (And giving Coach Brown hugs)

Is how it doesn’t matter if you can run fast or not, everyone will respect you and cheer you on.

I love beating my PR and achieving my goals.

That I get to be a part of a team.

The feeling after finishing a race and something to be proud of myself for. 

Is pushing myself and seeing myself improve. I also love being able to call my team, my family.

I’ve learned to push myself through the hard times and that I love running. 

I love setting goals and trying to achieve them. I love running with all of my friends. I also love finishing the race knowing I did the best I could.

The thing that I love most about XC is that we have the best coaches and I made a lot of new friends.

I love being out and running. 

Is that I love being with my friends and having fun with this team.

Is that I’ve learned to have self-confidence and how to push myself. I also made a lot of great friends.

I love how everyone is so positive and optimistic!

I love being part of this team, it’s like my second family. The part I love most about running is the rush you get after a race.

I love the feeling when you are done with a race, you feel accomplished. 

Is that I loved all the times we laughed and when we had to push hard. 

I love the feeling of finishing the race knowing I accomplished something. It makes me think about all the hard work I’ve put into practices. Most importantly, I love the girls on the team. Win as a team, lose as a team. 

The thing I love most about XC is how we do everything as a team and the excitement of finishing a race. XC girls are like our second family. 

Is that I love the feeling when you beat your time and when you know you gave it your all. 

I loved my coach and my teammates. They are so supportive and always have a smile on their face!

Making new friends and to push myself harder and to learn to have fun exercising. 

I like making friends!

What I love was the meets and how much fun they were. It was a great year, a year I will never forget.

Thankful.

So. It's been a while. A long while. As in almost an entire year long. I just re-read my post from the beginning of this year, and it almost sounds like a distant person writing. It's me, but I feel...different. Maybe it was the span of the year and maybe it was life's happenings. Whatever it might be, I feel different.

This long stint in blogging absence has no true reason. I'll admit, whether with life or pure laziness or lacking in muse, these are all excuses. Yet, here I am again and am pulling to try to flood this space with logical words and thoughts.

It's been an exciting year both personally but mainly for those in my life. It's also been a challenging year more than anything. I've experienced more defeat than triumph and had to unravel more of myself than I ever have before. I've been peeled down to the core and can only rebuild and create new skin. A challenging year is an understatement I'd say. It's been both hell and heaven.

I've finally discovered a passion more rewarding than (unfortunately) writing has ever been to me. I've taken small steps in discovering this, and it is coming full circle more and more with every passing month. Slowly but surely I have faith I will make it to the point in my life I am truly meant to be living and be. I've also been shaken of every fiber of my being and had to break down to nothing. To lift this part of me that's been dwelling for far too long and try to figure out a small reason as to why I am this and why it's always been like this. It's as if time had been frozen, and I was standing still...trudging through the pain and heartache and disaster I called myself. But alas, I'm slowly bouncing back from this and gaining strength here and there, bit by bit. Which brings me to the foundation of this post. Labeled appropriately with the most recent holiday passing. I am thankful. So thankful for the people in my life.

As successful and happy this year has made me, it's also been the hardest on me personally. It's been the hardest for some of my closest friends and confidants at the same time. And yet despite the challenges I was facing, these people managed to keep me afloat over anything. Over themselves. I am eternally grateful for the love and care and concern that surrounds my life. These people. My friends. My family. They are the ones who have helped me through my pains and given me hope. They're the ones who have pushed me to keep going and given me the strength I need. Especially in times when a lot of them have needed the same strength and courage. So many of them are stronger than I am so many of them are much better people than I could ever be. I've seen forgiveness from them, comfort, strength and encouragement. I feel selfish in the pain I've caused and in still needing that shoulder to lean on. But these people are still there after it all...and for this, I am thankful. They are all things good and genuine of the heart and soul. I pray for health and love and care and safety pour over them every day. They've been my shelter, and I always want to be the same for them in return. They make me want to be a better person and change. I thank them for standing up for me when many others would not...thankful they still had my back and exemplified their true merit as friends and family.

What amazing people I have in my life. Thank you, thank you to all those I love and have shown me love.

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The New Year

"So this is the new year, and I have no resolutions for self-assigned penance. For problems with easy solutions. So everybody put your best suit or dress on. Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once. Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn. As thirty dialog bleed into one. I wish the world was flat like the old days. Then I could travel just by folding a map. No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back."

- "The New Year" Death Cab for Cutie

Another new year makes its beginning marks on us yet again. A year has passed and brought me to new levels of myself and new levels of understanding. I can't sit here and say I've changed or been revealed great clarity in life. I can't say monumental experiences and people and places have moved mountains for me. However, I can say that I've lived another year. I've lived this journey, this path, this undergoing that continues to unfold for me as I continue to learn. Life lessons come at any age, for any length of time, for many unknown reasons. This year was no different. Memorable to say the least, but it's been a year of change and adjustment.

Reminders of blessed friendships and relationships. Love and loss. Finding the one I see my deep future with. Solidifying relationships and letting go of those that fade to the background and past. Reassured of my family strength and reminded the sacred bond for any family. The triumphs and tragedies I've seen in the lives of others. Of heartache and sadness, both overcome and put to rest. Personal winnings of growth, of life after college, and of finding oneself. I can't say I fully understand who I am or what I'm doing or where I'll be come the beginning of next year...but I'm OK with this. If I've learned anything else this year, it's that life unfolds itself as it's meant to. My plans and futures can't come without altercations and ditches but it's knowing what's meant to happen, will. We can't stop life from deciding what's best for us, and we sure as hell won't always agree or step in stride with what happens. We can't always make truth to what we want and envision. Things don't always go as planned. We all maintain ever-changing dreams and hopes and goals for ourselves we set early on in life...in childhood and school...through high school and college...directly following graduation and into the real world. These dreams don't always come true. But that's OK too. Rest assured, we're meant to take the roads paved for us whether expected or not. That's when we see full-circle. That's how life truly unveils itself to us. We take chances and risks. We hold back. We make mistakes and regrets. We are broken down and built back up. We see ourselves. In clarity. In motion. In living. Don't hold against what we want and think and feel should happen. Just live among and don't resist the currents that carry us to where we should end.

I have no resolutions this year. (Not that I ever really made any in past and saw them through.) Instead, I'm ready to turn another page and continue at the pace I'm at. I'm happy. Inside and out. And that's a true first I can say that I haven't possessed in a long time. I'm not going to force anything that isn't meant to be. Won't try to deny what's in front of me. More than ever am I realizing my journey is about to change in ways I never imagined. Mostly career-wise, but again, just step in stride. I welcome the changes. I welcome the challenges and being pushed to new heights. I don't know what's out there, no one does. So just live the way we're meant to. Stop questioning, stop worrying. Love to your fullest and love yourself more importantly. Nothing happens just because. It all has its reason, and that's the beauty of the gift we're lucky enough to set eyes on. Gratitude shoots out to those I'm most thankful for. Those who have stuck with me on various experiences and changes. The places to aid my changes. We are nothing without those other forces, and I especially have much to give myself to in thankfulness, peace and love.

This year holds exciting chapters for many that I can't wait to be a part of. My best friend of 14 years marries the man she gives her life and future for. A sister of the heart and her husband finally receive the gift they've been awaiting for two-plus long years...a reciprocated love and life for them and a new baby..the gift of adoption. My brother marries the love he's finally deserved, to connect two separate lives into a bond of one family. Other close friends begin new career journeys and paths for themselves. As do I hope to finally figure out where I want to steer next, what field to try to conquer anew. I also hope and pray for stronger, healthier and better days for many families and individuals. Those who confide in the hope of something more. I give faith in such and in knowing times can only get better and make us more capable of living. To those who need this year for mending and rebuilding personally. To only solidify myself even more with the one I've found love in, found my life in. For new feats and discoveries to new travels and desires, to many more blessings and changes. For figuring out who it is I want to be and where I want to take myself.

This is the new year. This is our world. This is our life. These are our changes. Accept them with grace and peace friends. Love to all.

Inspired.

I know from the moment my mom walks back into the house that it isn’t good news. Ever had that creeping feeling when you know something awful has happened? It was that kind of news.

My 24-year-old cousin is dead. He committed suicide. The room starts spinning and I lose my breath. I have to sit to regain composure. Never could I have imagined losing someone like this. My mom, through strong tears, hugs my brother and I.

“We’re going to be OK,” she whispers.

I do not feel the same, though, and at that moment, there I stand — heartbroken, angry, sad and upset. Why did he do this? How could he do this to himself. To God. To our family. He needed help but never sought it. I know my family tried with everything in them. It’s just…unimaginable to be here. Unbearable.

Years later and I still haven’t fully recovered. I don’t believe anyone ever can. You can’t come back from something like this, but he’s still my cousin, and I still love him.

— Kim Brown (Daily Kent Stater online, May 6, 2010, class vignette)

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What makes one appreciate life? Appreciate life to its fullest, deep-down, dig-into-the-soul kind of feeling? Heartbreak, death, experience, God, birth, triumph? This full-circle revelation and trust came to me as a tragedy.

He was alone. Not the kind we sometimes need to regroup, relax and refocus ourselves. It wasn't even the kind when we sometimes push people away to be alone with just ourselves. He was alone for years, alone in himself, feeding into zero exit. He was in a manic depressive bipolar disorder state with no escaping. It was helplessness in a world of no outcome for him. States of high emotion and states of low emotion. Was it all of this...or fear of never finding inspiration again? Did he fear his every day rather than simply go through the motions and keep pushing? What was this sadness that made him choose the most heartbreaking of faults.

I was angry. For years.

Angry he could ever think to do this to our family. Angry to imagine what found him at this level...to not exist and extinguish everything he carried with him. Angry he even did such a thing to himself. And even angrier that he left us.

I was heartbroken by him.

I still feel what I did from that day in June in 2004 up until now: You never recover. As much faith and change and life continues to create and move forward, a person can never go back. It's facing the problems someone you cared so deeply for committed. You have to turn to the realization he's gone, forever. You have to take the time to swallow what he's done to himself and to a family surrounded by simple love. Impossible to understand the reasoning. Why? Why, why, why....

And yet, at the same time, there lies blame. Guilt. Fault in ourselves. Why didn't we do more? How could we have prevented this? He tried. We tried...but I don't think hard enough. There's only so much one can do before a mind is made up, I understand all that. But, why HIM. Why wasn't it enough? Could we have loved him more? Given him more reason to keep pushing. It tears my heart apart even thinking of not being enough for him. That life wasn't enough for him anymore. Living wasn't what he chose. When we all run and run away all our lives and yet, he stopped in his journey and ended it too soon. I feel ashamed to know we did what we could, but it wasn't enough. Regret. Something I couldn't stop.

When do we stop mourning? Never. When do we forget? Never. When will our hearts and minds be at ease? Never. He's with me, always. And I wouldn't have it any other way. He's fallen, and still sealed himself in me that I'll never lose hold of. My heart still aches, still longs for him to be with us. Who knows what life would be like for him if he kept going. Maybe it could be worse. I doubt it though. God tells us we are born as His own, born to be servants of the Lord and walk in this path. And despite, despite what anyone or anything might tell me, I know David is still with us, still looking down on us...he's in a peaceful place with himself and his heart. I'd rather him be at peace then living in a world where he only saw darkness.

He's been my inspiration for years and will always be my inspiration. To never give up. To keep fighting. To live for a reason. To love unconditionally and fully. To accept and forgive. To always know reason won't always come without doubt or obstacle. I miss him. Every day. Every time my skin is reminded of a part of him. And I just wish I had been given more time with him before tragedy became reality.

David, there isn't a day that passes I do not think of you. There's not a day I wonder how you are, what you're doing, how you're feeling. And I miss you. Entirely. I'm sorry. Sorry I couldn't have done more. Sorry we didn't have enough time together. Sorry for the relationship I wasn't able to fully build with you. I admired you, still admire you. You will always be my angel and strength day in and day out...good times and bad...changes and new beginnings. I love you, forever. I know I'll be seeing you soon. Happy 31st birthday cousin.

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"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:22

Inspire Me: Mom and Dad

"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it." -George Moore

Without them, I wouldn't be here today. Without them, I wouldn't be as appreciative of life as I am. Without them, I don't know what life would be like or where I would even be.

My parents. I admire them in ways beyond my years. A little bit "old fashioned" and traditional with a touch of contemporary love and style.

I don't remember a day in passing where I haven't heard an, "I love you" or a simple hug for good feeling. Raised to be proud of myself and two heritages, never once have they denied me of my Korean background intertwined with my American. They've brought me thus far in life, and I owe them all. Providing for this family has always been their number one priority...giving back and protecting...strength and honor. We're far from a traditional family and traditional ways, however.

Neither grew up with the comfortable, secure life I know as my own, and both have worked to be in the position that exists today. Raised as country kids, with simple necessities served as their basis to work hard and defend the definition of family. I admire their age of wisdom and ability to love unconditionally...to both family and friend.

I seek to give back to them one day and take care of them, like they have for me all my life. Still very dependent yet grateful for everyday I share with them. I've been blessed with parents who share with me and have taught me the true sacrifice of love and guidance. They've given me the gift of life, and I hope to one day be just an ounce of how beautiful, strong and loving I view them as. I want to work hard and make them proud just as they've always been supportive and pushing of me. I wish to take pieces of my parents I genetically cannot but able to possess personality traits, drive, love and courage such as they've shown.

Short and sweet, my parents are my own. My parents are my heroes. Sparkling with fondness and gratitude, I can never push them off the pedestal they've conquered in my eyes.

Inspire Me: Alyssa Marie

"A sister is both your mirror - and your opposite."

My friend of 14 years and continuing to grow stronger with every new year. My complete mirror yet total opposite at the same time. Strong, crazy yet beautiful defines this woman of a mere 23 years old. We've seen every day and night together, been through every hardship and tear of life. Whether difficult or riding on a high, we're there for one another. We've fought but only because we care about the other and never one to take grudge into the future. Without her, I am nothing. With her, she completes my life and personality.

This little, petite ball of fire and spunk will get any conversation rolling. She'll fight for what's right and have your back against the most terrible of situations. Loyal to the bind, Alyssa trusts and holds your security with her heart. She might come off as strong-headed or overwhelming, but it's who she is...she just needs the moment to gain your own trust and honesty, and you'll never look back again. She never wants to make a person feel uncomfortable or out of place (unless of course she doesn't like you, you'll know). I wouldn't be where I am in life without her. She's given me strength and love and courage beyond belief and beyond any other person closest to me. I love her as a sister and know I can run to her in need. I'm there for her just as she is with me. We're a bond, a connection, not one without the other.

Time has only brought us closer as it should. And time will carry our friendship and relationship throughout the years, making us older, wiser and fonder of the other. She'll be there til the end, and it's a comforting promise I know I'll always have deep within. A strong fighter but gentle lover. Hilarity to fill a room and memory but also sincerity to last over the harshest of waves. I can depend on her just as she knows she has my trust and backing. I've never had someone like Alyssa Marie to provide more laughter and love from two years ago all the way back to childhood. She faces life with a smile and willing personality, ready to attack and ready to learn and grow. There's such an air of havoc yet calm only she can create. Fun-loving and strong desire of life like no other. I've seen it over the span of many years.

It's impossible to truly define our friendship or just how many ways she inspires me, but it's true. It's honest. It's real. She's real. She's a real friend and sister. Her half inspires my half I lack. I can't imagine my life without the darling piece to my timid side. She's a rarity in Asian form and a rarity to myself. I love her as my sister and appreciate her more than words could possibly capture. Alyssa Marie, the crazy yet wonderful woman I am so fond of. Thank you.

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