I wrote the following narrative as part of a multi-genre paper concerning my adoption. The project required us to write several different pieces from varying perspectives. The objective was to "tell our story" through these various writings. A part of me felt compelled to present a piece from what I imagine to be my birth mother. Envisioning the process wasn't difficult - the words flowed with ease, actually. Maybe it's a part of me that I've put enough thought to. Maybe I just felt inspired in that moment. Maybe I felt some connection to what I hope was similar to what she experienced. Maybe a part of me wants it to be this way. Whatever may be the reason, I felt satisfied. My heart is filled by this. There's a sight of closure. Perhaps my imagination is just far-fetched. Regardless, I still think about her. Still wonder about her, still have a piece of her with me forever.
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“I hope that you have met good parents and that you
will have a good life. I wish for you a beautiful life, with a beautiful face
and a beautiful heart. Think of your life as precious, because you are a
beautiful flower born out of pain. I cannot give you any help, but I will
always pray for you. I chose your name by myself. You will remain in my heart
forever with this name. How much you must have grown. I wish for you a
beautiful life with God always.”
August 14, 2005
A month before her
seventeenth birthday, a teenager begins to finally find acceptance in her
heart. She is changed forever by a trip she never envisioned. Life begins to
form new meaning as well as her identity. Although still a struggle to
completely recognize herself, she is hopeful. Her mind now wonders what her
birth mother might have experienced while making the most difficult decision of
her life. She’s now aware and recognizes the agony that the mother must have
endured. Still heartbroken and sensitive, the girl considers what life could
have been and remains grateful for the future that exists.
I Wish for You a Beautiful Life
I sit waiting in the doctor’s office surrounded by others
yet completely alone. I feel empty. I am broken. I am alone. This clock is
taking forever. My palms begin to sweat. I feel faint.
My journey begins with this visit. Pregnancy. How can
this be? How could I allow this to happen? Why me? Fear arises, and I can’t
comprehend what the doctor has said. Everything is muffled, and the world
around me is frozen. Blurred.
“Eun-Jung, are you
okay?”
“I’m sorry. What?”
“I asked if you are
okay. Do you have someone you can tell this to? Someone to be there?”
I shudder at the question.
“I’m not sure.”
****
Mother and father also fear for my life. Disappointment
is probably the better word to use. I’ve let them fall in all this. Somehow,
they are supportive, and without their courage I could not do this. I know of
others who have been disowned by their families, by their communities, by
society. This “secret” tears families and identities apart. It’s taboo. This
burden reduces relationships and hearts to nothing. I am lucky in this aspect
as it could be much worse. However, I have no strength to tell him. I am scared.
****
“Eun-Jung? Eun-Jung,
what’s with you today?”
Silence.
A touch on the shoulder allows me to know he cares. At
least in this moment.
“I’m leaving for
work soon.”
“Okay.” I can feel the spite from him already forming.
“Is there something on your mind?”
“No.” Yes.
“Okay. I am off
then. I will see you later.”
He begins to walk away, and in that moment I consider the
thought of losing him. Maybe it is best I just abort. I could still keep the
man I love without him ever knowing what has happened. This burden would no
longer latch itself to my every being. I am disgusted. With it. With myself. I
do not want to lose Ji-Hoon. It hasn’t been easy with him, but who will I have
otherwise? Yet, as much as I cannot bear this burden, this baby, I already know
what my heart has decided.
My heart is pounding. The thump, thump, thump leaps higher into my throat and seizes my
voice.
Crackled, I whisper, “Ji-Hoon. Wait.”
****
I am alone in this. He never returned from work that day
in February. I knew he wouldn’t. The commitment was never there. For some
reason, I am relieved. I no longer have to carry the weight of the
relationship. The detachment was easier than I thought. Of course, it took
months, but here I am. What saddens me is this baby will never know her father.
She will never have that part of her identity. Yes, it is a girl! My princess.
I have grown to love her in ways I cannot describe. My heart overflows with
excitement to meet her all the while knowing what my heart will soon bear. I
feel as if I am bipolar in all this. One moment filled with glee and the next
washed away in tears. Mother and father are trying to support me. It kills me
inside. No one in the family knows. They would ostracize me if they knew.
Summer brings me new hope. It’s not unbearable for once.
I traveled to Seoul the other day just to take in the city and get my mind away
from the world. I visited Changgyeonggung and walked to the top of the
mountainside to see over the city. In that moment I felt so full despite being
so alone. The baby will be here soon. She still has no name. A part of me
struggles with giving her an identity she will have to live with forever. Maybe
a part of her she will never know. So many emotions encompass this journey. I
wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish I could keep her. As the day draws
near, the more I question what I’m doing. This baby has no control of her life.
She has no say in what I do. I hate myself for even considering the abortion.
It’s not what she deserves. I hold so much guilt in my heart and soul. This
poor baby. What will she know one day? I wish I could change time.
****
The day has come. Here I am, in the hospital, and I have
no one. Mother and father decided they could not be with me today. It was too
much for them to wrap their minds around. My mother incessantly sobbed while
father just stood there. I do not blame them. I’ve been alone this entire trek,
and I just pray my baby will never feel alone like I have.
I look outside the hospital window and notice the breeze.
I notice the early arrival of fall and the simplicity it brings to the world. A
hint of jasmine lingers in my room. It reminds me of my grandmother. I wonder
if I will ever tell her about this. I wonder if I’ll ever lose this feeling of
shame.
“Eun-Jung, are you
ready?” The doctor interrupts my thought.
“As ready as I can be.” That’s a lie.
“You’ve remained
unusually calm today. Know you are making the right decision. We are all here
for you.”
Here for you. The thought remains in my mind. Who is here
for me? It’s just the baby and her mother. I want to protect her, protect her
from this world, but I know soon that will not be an option.
“Let’s take you
back. I think you’re ready.”
It’s time. I am
scared. I am alone. Tears start to form.
****
Oh, my precious baby. I loved you from the moment I saw
you. My heart is aching right now with happiness and sadness. I am overwhelmed
with feelings I cannot describe. I can’t bear to let you go. I don’t know what
to do in this moment. I wish I had someone to share this with. My baby, I love
you entirely. If only I could keep you. My mind is racing. There’s so much I
wish you tell you and so much I wish I could provide for you. Time is not on
our side. Your eyes, your lips, your ears…they are like mine. You have very
little hair, which makes me chuckle as your father had little hair as a child.
Oh, how I wish you could one day know who I am and know who your father really
is. Your hands grip my finger and your touch sends chills through my body. You
have a gentle touch, much like your gentle heart I know you will have. You will
be sensitive like your mother. I wish I could keep you. My tears are soaking
your fragile skin, but I do not care. I hope they seep into your every being so
just a small part of me will be with you.
This is my prayer and wish for you, my baby. I have
decided to name you Mee-Ae. It means beauty and love. Always remember this. I
wish you days of endless love and delight. I wish you protection from those who
might harm you. I hope you find respect in yourself and in your culture and
pray you will always know you have a home here in South Korea. You are my home.
You are my heart. I am with you always, Mee-Ae. Always. There won’t be a day
that passes that I do not think of you and pray for you. Wondering where you
are in life and what you are doing. I hope you will always be surrounded by
trustworthy people and friends and family to support and encourage you. I know
you will be diligent in your studies. I wish for you a future of gold and sunshine.
Your smile is sunshine. It’s pure. Oh, my baby, how I want to remain with you.
My heart hurts. I pray your new family will raise you well. I pray they hold
you with the utmost love and tender care that I would give to you. If only I
could keep you.
Know this baby, I am with you forever. A part of me is a
part of your identity. One day, I hope you can understand why I had to give you
up and why I had to do what I did. My guilt will be with me forever. But I find
hope in knowing you will have a better life than anything I could provide.
Please forgive me. I hope you don’t hate me or become frustrated with your
past. Be strong, be receptive, be happy. You are love. You are cherished. This
is not good-bye, as I know I will be with you every day. My baby, find
yourself. Find your own way. I wish years of success and joy for you and your
new family. I am eternally grateful to them. I wish for you an abundance of
love. I can never forget you. I wish you could know how much I will miss you. Be
the love and beauty that is your name. I wish for you a beautiful life.
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