The woman I love

My life knows only a woman whose love is all I have. Maybe I have her eyes. Her hair. Her smile. Her quiet personality and ability to love with her entire heart. But my life knows of a woman I will never meet.

A part of me still screams with mercy to God not to have this path in life. Yes, there’s still a portion of me wishing this blessing yet curse wasn’t chosen for me. The constant suffering and struggles throughout my life put the perspective of hatred and bitterness at the forefront of my mind. A part of me still begs not to have this burden. This part of me was what wanted nothing to do with my biological mother and adoption for so very long.

I’ve never truly written about what thoughts, feelings and emotions surrounded my life for so long. Only in speaking with KCC campers or counselors and closest of friends did my real emotions hit surface. These most personal thoughts about adoption and my birth mother only resided in the deepest parts of me, hidden so only I could know them and reveal accordingly. Mainly, because I was ashamed. Ashamed and burdened by what I didn’t want to feel. Guilty for such feelings of someone I never knew. Weary of such emotions I couldn’t figure out and shame of something I never asked for.

I hated my birth mother.

And if you know anything about me, I rarely use the word “hate” for its meaning strikes me hard and requires me to truly feel it with passion. If anything, I love far too easily and allow just about anyone in to my open heart.

For 16 long years I despised this woman who birthed me. I honestly hated the one who gave me life to begin with. Who was I? Why did I feel this way? Because she gave me up for adoption. Because maybe her situation wasn’t good enough to keep me. Because she didn’t have the courage to hold on to her own baby, only long enough for the nine months I was in her. Because she wasn’t able to face her society and own fears but could so easily give me up. Because she forgot about me and gave me away to someone else. Because she didn’t consider what I could have been to her. Because she was able to give me away to a life I would be teased and ridiculed and questioned about forever. Because she didn’t love me.

All of what I felt for those 16 years. Sometimes I voiced these thoughts I was so adamant about, sometimes I kept them quiet. I struggled with the voices eating away at me and twisting what good I felt about adoption. It was only Korean Culture Camp and the support of my family that made me face my biggest fears and heartache. Without them I know I would still be bitter.

It wasn’t until I visited South Korea and met my foster mother that the thoughts which consumed my entire thinking for so long subsided and finally changed. Maybe God didn’t want me to change my mind until then. He knew I wasn’t ready. His plan of sending me to Korea meant more than just a trip to my homeland. He knew, but I didn’t.

The moment I saw my foster mother. The face I recognized even never fully knowing who she was for being adopted at only four months. The tears already streaming down her face. Running to me and grabbing my face between her two small and weathered hands. Uncontrollably hugging me and not letting go. Our arms wrapped around each other with a bond like we were family. Only being with this woman for four months yet sobbing over the emotion. Knowing what it was we shared. Being her first foster child and the one she still remembers after 13 years of fostering children. Knowing how much she loved me and cared for me….knowing my biological mother’s love was there too.

The moment we walked into a church of unwed, pregnant, young mothers preparing to give their baby up to adoption. Sitting across from women staring with wondering eyes. Fear in the room. Questions lingering. Silence deafening every mind. Tears starting to fall down the mothers’ cheeks as one begins to open her mouth and say something then silences herself. An hour of birth mothers questioning us whether we were angry with our own biological mothers. Whether we could forgive them for giving us up. Were we happy. Shock of awe on our faces. Not a dry eye in sight. The strength of these women. The care they showed to us….the love of my birth mother I knew was there.

Guilt still casts over me for those incidents to truly change my mind of heart when I shouldn’t have felt such anger to begin with. But, it was God’s way, and I wouldn’t have changed the course for anything. There’s a reason I didn’t grow into myself for so long. I must be quick to love yet slow to change my heart.

It’s obvious I no longer feel how I once did, feelings difficult for me to even pinpoint now five years later. How could I live a life like that? The judgment I passed of someone who unconditionally loved me yet never truly knew me. Where would I even be today if it weren’t for this woman I’ll never know? Who is she? I’ll never know, but I’m OK with that. She’s still a part of me. I’ll always be a part of her. I have her heart just as much as she has mine. Maybe I really do have her smile or her eyes. Her uncontrollable laughter and love for cuddling. She’s beautiful to me. Her soul is beautiful.

I love my biological mother with my entire heart.

My adoption journey is never-ending. Yes, I can finally be at peace with myself until another page in my book dog ears and decides it’s time to conquer the next hurdle. I’ll be ready. My heart tells me there’s something more out there I’m mean to trek along. Until then, I can only support those closest to me who know what the struggle is like. Who can compare their own personal strife and emotions to mine. Those who I sympathize with because I know what they’re experiencing. It’s encouragement for us all. It’s strength….it’s love…it’s family.

And this, for those of you:

You are beautiful, inside and out, in every manner possible. You’re strong, intelligent and years ahead of where I was. Don’t run away from your fears, face them with great pride. Courage only comes from those experiences we doubt. Don’t shy away from uncontrollable feelings and emotions, embrace them with the biggest heart you can find in yourself. Your journey is only beginning to unfold and explain a portion of your own life. I support you in all your ways and all your decisions because only you can decide for yourself. Don’t doubt it. Love with your entire heart and forgive quickly. If anything, you of all people know how precious life is, and we’re the ones to show this to the world. You are my brothers and sisters, the ones I love, the ones who have my heart. Without you, I am weak. Without you, I wouldn’t have known this part of me. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to write about my own adoption. I thank you for providing me the privilege of opening yourselves and willingly offer your most personal feelings to me. I am most grateful and honored. You share a love similar to mine. Whether your journey is still unfolding before you or whether you have yet to discover it, don’t let it scare you because there’s reason behind it. I won’t let you fall as long as you catch me when I do.

And this, for you, my birth mother:

I can only begin to describe the smallest amounts of how I feel about you. You’re also beautiful, strong, intelligent. I do not know you but want to. I do not believe I ever will have the opportunity to meet you, but I still pray for you and think of you daily. You are my mother. I am your daughter. You’re the sunshine on the darkest of days for me. And I’m sorry for the hatred that once stirred inside me, boiling, fuming and over flowing into my life. I was confused and lost and bitter for the things I had no control of. You only did what was necessary for a life I needed. I admire you for the woman you became the day you decided to give me away. Because forever will I be yours. I am grateful and blessed for the life you have allowed me to live. My heart still beats for you and longs for what you look like, who you are, how much of you I possess. My heart aches. It was broken but somehow managed to fall back together through this experience. Never fully healed but only aching now. I know you love me. Because I know I love you. You’ve given me something you weren’t able to, and for that, it’s selfless. It wasn’t easy for either of us and never will be, but I carry you with me forever. I see your face in front of me, your hand in mine, your gentle embrace similar to my hugs. Your smiling face and eyes signal a sign of approval. My pain is gone and my fears dissolved. Always a part of my life, always a part of me, always a part of my heart.