Thankful.

So. It's been a while. A long while. As in almost an entire year long. I just re-read my post from the beginning of this year, and it almost sounds like a distant person writing. It's me, but I feel...different. Maybe it was the span of the year and maybe it was life's happenings. Whatever it might be, I feel different.

This long stint in blogging absence has no true reason. I'll admit, whether with life or pure laziness or lacking in muse, these are all excuses. Yet, here I am again and am pulling to try to flood this space with logical words and thoughts.

It's been an exciting year both personally but mainly for those in my life. It's also been a challenging year more than anything. I've experienced more defeat than triumph and had to unravel more of myself than I ever have before. I've been peeled down to the core and can only rebuild and create new skin. A challenging year is an understatement I'd say. It's been both hell and heaven.

I've finally discovered a passion more rewarding than (unfortunately) writing has ever been to me. I've taken small steps in discovering this, and it is coming full circle more and more with every passing month. Slowly but surely I have faith I will make it to the point in my life I am truly meant to be living and be. I've also been shaken of every fiber of my being and had to break down to nothing. To lift this part of me that's been dwelling for far too long and try to figure out a small reason as to why I am this and why it's always been like this. It's as if time had been frozen, and I was standing still...trudging through the pain and heartache and disaster I called myself. But alas, I'm slowly bouncing back from this and gaining strength here and there, bit by bit. Which brings me to the foundation of this post. Labeled appropriately with the most recent holiday passing. I am thankful. So thankful for the people in my life.

As successful and happy this year has made me, it's also been the hardest on me personally. It's been the hardest for some of my closest friends and confidants at the same time. And yet despite the challenges I was facing, these people managed to keep me afloat over anything. Over themselves. I am eternally grateful for the love and care and concern that surrounds my life. These people. My friends. My family. They are the ones who have helped me through my pains and given me hope. They're the ones who have pushed me to keep going and given me the strength I need. Especially in times when a lot of them have needed the same strength and courage. So many of them are stronger than I am so many of them are much better people than I could ever be. I've seen forgiveness from them, comfort, strength and encouragement. I feel selfish in the pain I've caused and in still needing that shoulder to lean on. But these people are still there after it all...and for this, I am thankful. They are all things good and genuine of the heart and soul. I pray for health and love and care and safety pour over them every day. They've been my shelter, and I always want to be the same for them in return. They make me want to be a better person and change. I thank them for standing up for me when many others would not...thankful they still had my back and exemplified their true merit as friends and family.

What amazing people I have in my life. Thank you, thank you to all those I love and have shown me love.

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The New Year

"So this is the new year, and I have no resolutions for self-assigned penance. For problems with easy solutions. So everybody put your best suit or dress on. Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once. Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn. As thirty dialog bleed into one. I wish the world was flat like the old days. Then I could travel just by folding a map. No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back."

- "The New Year" Death Cab for Cutie

Another new year makes its beginning marks on us yet again. A year has passed and brought me to new levels of myself and new levels of understanding. I can't sit here and say I've changed or been revealed great clarity in life. I can't say monumental experiences and people and places have moved mountains for me. However, I can say that I've lived another year. I've lived this journey, this path, this undergoing that continues to unfold for me as I continue to learn. Life lessons come at any age, for any length of time, for many unknown reasons. This year was no different. Memorable to say the least, but it's been a year of change and adjustment.

Reminders of blessed friendships and relationships. Love and loss. Finding the one I see my deep future with. Solidifying relationships and letting go of those that fade to the background and past. Reassured of my family strength and reminded the sacred bond for any family. The triumphs and tragedies I've seen in the lives of others. Of heartache and sadness, both overcome and put to rest. Personal winnings of growth, of life after college, and of finding oneself. I can't say I fully understand who I am or what I'm doing or where I'll be come the beginning of next year...but I'm OK with this. If I've learned anything else this year, it's that life unfolds itself as it's meant to. My plans and futures can't come without altercations and ditches but it's knowing what's meant to happen, will. We can't stop life from deciding what's best for us, and we sure as hell won't always agree or step in stride with what happens. We can't always make truth to what we want and envision. Things don't always go as planned. We all maintain ever-changing dreams and hopes and goals for ourselves we set early on in life...in childhood and school...through high school and college...directly following graduation and into the real world. These dreams don't always come true. But that's OK too. Rest assured, we're meant to take the roads paved for us whether expected or not. That's when we see full-circle. That's how life truly unveils itself to us. We take chances and risks. We hold back. We make mistakes and regrets. We are broken down and built back up. We see ourselves. In clarity. In motion. In living. Don't hold against what we want and think and feel should happen. Just live among and don't resist the currents that carry us to where we should end.

I have no resolutions this year. (Not that I ever really made any in past and saw them through.) Instead, I'm ready to turn another page and continue at the pace I'm at. I'm happy. Inside and out. And that's a true first I can say that I haven't possessed in a long time. I'm not going to force anything that isn't meant to be. Won't try to deny what's in front of me. More than ever am I realizing my journey is about to change in ways I never imagined. Mostly career-wise, but again, just step in stride. I welcome the changes. I welcome the challenges and being pushed to new heights. I don't know what's out there, no one does. So just live the way we're meant to. Stop questioning, stop worrying. Love to your fullest and love yourself more importantly. Nothing happens just because. It all has its reason, and that's the beauty of the gift we're lucky enough to set eyes on. Gratitude shoots out to those I'm most thankful for. Those who have stuck with me on various experiences and changes. The places to aid my changes. We are nothing without those other forces, and I especially have much to give myself to in thankfulness, peace and love.

This year holds exciting chapters for many that I can't wait to be a part of. My best friend of 14 years marries the man she gives her life and future for. A sister of the heart and her husband finally receive the gift they've been awaiting for two-plus long years...a reciprocated love and life for them and a new baby..the gift of adoption. My brother marries the love he's finally deserved, to connect two separate lives into a bond of one family. Other close friends begin new career journeys and paths for themselves. As do I hope to finally figure out where I want to steer next, what field to try to conquer anew. I also hope and pray for stronger, healthier and better days for many families and individuals. Those who confide in the hope of something more. I give faith in such and in knowing times can only get better and make us more capable of living. To those who need this year for mending and rebuilding personally. To only solidify myself even more with the one I've found love in, found my life in. For new feats and discoveries to new travels and desires, to many more blessings and changes. For figuring out who it is I want to be and where I want to take myself.

This is the new year. This is our world. This is our life. These are our changes. Accept them with grace and peace friends. Love to all.