A One Way Street

“Watch my back so I’ll make sure, you’re right behind me as before. Yesterday, the night before, tomorrow. Dry my eyes so you won’t know. Dry my eyes so I won’t show. I know you’re right behind me. Don’t you let me go, let me go, tonight. Don’t you let me go, let me go, tonight.”

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Fingers intertwined in confusion. Mind failing to escape any rational understanding. Pulse moving at the speed of light. Leg twitching in anticipation of wanting more. Impossible to feel this way. Timing and control inconveniently butting heads. Why.

Ever long for something with such strength and desire you can’t let it go? Ever want it so bad you just can’t find any conclusion as to why it’s happening to you? Part of it strikes you as fear, part being unfair and part in plain confusion. If it appears so great, so true, so pure then why should any questions or wondering exist? Should it not be fair to assume no one deserves to be kept waiting or lost with this longing or desire? Can’t we have it all?

No. Plain and simple. We can’t possess everything we believe should be ours, we don’t even deserve everything which makes us feel so wonderful and whole. Yet, why be tried with this temptation or feelings pushing you to jump… hoping you fall where you’re meant to land…hoping the decision you choose is right. Sure, mistakes are meant for the experience and growth, but what if you can’t afford to fall and realize you won’t be caught. Can you jump knowing you’ll be greeted with what you expect at the bottom? What reassurance is there besides faith and time.

You know this feeling, these strong feelings, aren’t just passing. You want it all right now. You don’t want to suffer waiting. You’ve never felt this way with such strength. The “what if I choose this” and “but what if I choose this” swirl clouds of stinging reality and the unknowing hope all at the same time. None of it really makes sense. Your mind doesn’t make sense and your feelings don’t make any real connection to the time or place. No helpful calm or wisdom or understanding to sort this out. No index card or paper to so easy file where it belongs all in the right order. You’re alone in this and alone in your thoughts. You know what you feel is strong, all-wanting and hopeful there’s even more than what’s pulling you in now. Continue to fight the urge and walk on with a perceived yet willing notion of the future that might be ahead…or let your walls down again and accept what you feel might just be right. Another heart over mind matter at stake. Your heart at stake. Your changes fresh on a new path.

Desire so strong and so consuming you want more. Let it claw away at you for a little longer or just give up. You know what you feel is good. Should you just give in?

What's Mine to Give.

Slowly, the pieces finally fall securely into place.

Mind-crushing and harsh, do I realize the truth.

Why do I give myself so freely and often openly to anyone passing into my life? And why, so frequently that I do, seem to be crushed time and time again? I believe I care so much about people in general and continuously give myself to the ones I love because that’s all I have to offer. That’s all I can do without letting the fear of having no one seep through me and be gone for good. I give so much of myself to everyone I let in because I’ve been given up on before, by too many people in too many different portions of my life. And I fear losing what I’ve grasped so close to me. She gave me up for adoption. He broke my heart. They stole my trust. He gave up in us and ran away. He stole my heart that isn’t his to have. Those two used me. She couldn’t keep me.

I keep smiling because it’s all I can do from letting my own thoughts consume the good and steal away with the façade placed over my face. My heart is what holds me together and yet it so easily provides itself to every person walking in and out of my life, offering every bit of strength and compassion it possesses. More than not, I allow people to take those offerings and leave without reason…leave me to my own…leave because they can without strings attached. What about me and my heart.

Give without reason. Expect nothing in return. We as humans are called upon this task based on the word of the Lord. Only He places us where we should be, in what time frame, for the right reasons. He’s the one able to act selflessly for us with little given back. In ways, I expect close to nothing from many these days based on society alone. We’re only human in perspective and make these mistakes to stand corrected. I’m only human and know I am faulty in my thoughts and actions as well. Yet, my human heart starts to slow year after year, heartache after heartache because I concede for it to happen. It’s a tiring act and realization, for anyone.

My heart yearns for acceptance and compassion it might never receive. But I’ll keep loving. I’ll keep giving it to someone without caution because it’s all I can do. It’s all I have. I want to wrap its meaning and service around yours entirely, completely. Why? For someone else to get up and leave my life, changing lives and surroundings, people moving on with life? Yes, I’ll still do it…because very few have fully given themselves to me and it’s my purpose to give myself to others. We unconsciously crush ourselves with desires and lives surrounded with daily purpose but take little time to appreciate the ones serving us and providing the real meaning. What do you love? Who do you love? Let me in so I can show you. I’ll honestly give you everything I have just to make you happy, just to maintain your hold, simply for your love in return.

A Secret.

I'll let you in on a secret of mine.

There's a road leading to my parent's house in Reynoldsburg. I drive it often, almost daily, going to and from point A to B. After my parents decided to downsize their house in Pickerington after I left for college, we moved to the one in Reynoldsburg. There's a house down on this road, a small ranch style, white, petite yet homey. I noticed this house one morning coming back from church after moving and from then on, every Sunday I looked into this house to view a very similar site: An old man sitting in his comforter chair, sometimes reclined, sometimes not. Most times he would be reading the Sunday newspaper or watching TV. I very rarely saw his wife, but she was there.

This very scene became regular to me and it wasn't long before I began looking into this front-windowed house every time I passed it while home visiting from school. Now, after living back home again, I pass this house very often. It's a form of comfort for some reason. I look for the old man and his wife, wondering what they're doing, expecting to see him sitting in his recliner.

Well, one day during this past fall I passed the house running some errands and noticed a big, red flashing ambulance truck sitting in the drive.

My heart shattered.

And what more than to see the old man I so cherished being wheeled out to the ambulance on a stretcher, strapped in and oxygen mask over his face.

I slowed my car down and couldn't believe what I saw. I was almost in tears seeing this right in front of me. I honestly couldn't believe it.

"Was he going to make it? What happened? Will he be okay?? Please don't die. Dear God, don't let this man die. What would become of his wife if he passed? Would she be okay without him? I don't want her to be alone yet, I don't want him to suffer. Please God, let everything be okay..."

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I looked to the house when passing it the following days only to see the curtains closed and no cars in the driveway. Turns out a few days later, he's okay from what I can tell. He's laying down in the recliner, oxygen mask attached to his face like the life keeping him going. His wife is bent over him, helping him with something, maybe making sure he's comfortable.

A sigh of relief.

I still look to the house every time I pass. I still see a very similar scene but he's always in the chair now. And, for some reason, it still somewhat breaks my heart seeing this. What is their life like together? I constantly wonder if he's happy...if she's happy...if he's healthy. It brings my memory back to the last several months of my grandfather's life. My grandma was his surviving stone. She helped, shouldered, labored and loved her husband until the day he passed. She devoted her life to him. Has this elder woman done the same for her husband she so cares for? It's dedication...it's sacrifice...it's love. And it amazes me to know such a bond is possible between two people. We do it without reason because we care, because we love and want this person to be okay. Maybe I feel connected to this couple because they remind me so much of my grandparents. The human heart can bare so much for so many, especially the one we're most devoted to.

I care about this couple and this elder man. I hope he's happy. I hope their life together has been memorable and more than satisfying. I'll be heartbroken the day I look into their window and realize he's no longer there. Life can be so fulfilling yet heart wrenching from simple situations like this. The human emotion constantly playing and tugging at our heart strings...

Dog Days.

I wish we all held the brain of a dog. Okay, maybe not the brain capacity per se but more along the lines of their compassion and easily forgiven mistakes.

I've recently noticed how quickly dogs of any kind live to please their "masters" and strive for their full attention, always. It truly amazes me despite the several messes or lack of listening and obeying a dog might take on, they only seek for our approval directly following their acts. And no matter how much we yell or scold, they come following back waiting for that pat on the head or nod of forgiveness. All a dog seeks is our love, care and compassion, holding no anger or conflict against us ever.

Why can't humans adapt similar tactics? Why must we hold grudges and angst against one another because of some petty statement or argument? Why always possess the need to judge those around us, be offended so easily, be quick to base a person's character on impressions? I think the world would be a lot happier if we could simply do like the dogs and ultimately want to please our friends and family without reason or owing the other for a good deed, no questions asked. If we loved in simplicity, we might find living with one another a bit easier and in turn, see the real capabilities of human compassion.

I love this quality of canines. I wish I could follow suit like them and be more like their character. Granted, I might end up with my tail between my legs every so often, but I might see the world in better perspective if I sought more love and approval in such unpretentious ways.

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Hap-pi-ness [hap-ee-nis]:

-noun

1. The quality or state of being happy.

2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

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This entry is all-things happy. Things that make me happy. Things that I hope make others happy. Things that truly bring me joy. I sat down in July 2009 and started a list of "happy." Now, I share these with you and hope a few if not all of them can bring some smile or smirk to your face. And, I'm hopeful, you can relate with some or even start your own list. No matter how cliche these ring and over-run they might be, they're what make me truly happy. I possess the never-ending journey of seeking real happiness in my life. A journey that often brings me in cycles of happy and misery. And again I begin a new cycle to find happiness in my life.

My Happy (in no particular order):

-Sunshine -Family

-Hugs -Friends

-Mailed letters -Brown packages

-Asian babies/children -Airports

-Beaches -Shopping

-Long phone conversations with an old friend

-My mother -Pinkie promises

-Chopsticks -Road trips

-Spontaneity -Laying in the snow

-Black and white photography

-Flying -Night running

-My dad's terrible jokes

-Finding random money in your pocket or purse

-Massages -Running

-Cool, summer nights -Coffee dates

-Long conversations over coffee dates

-Ice cream -Pianos

-Fond memories that make you laugh

-Being high -Helping others

-Reading -"Tears of joy"

-Music -Nostalgia

-Coffee -Chocolate

-Cold nights inside -S'mores

-Cuddling -Snow Christmas morning

-Laughing -KCC

-Peanut Butter -Caramel

-Eating -Sleeping

-Long naps -Magazines

-New socks -Eskimo kisses

-Fall -Getting caught in summer rain

-Peace -Being in love

-Dancing -Dresses

-Old letters and notes -Weddings

-Hiking -Stationery

-Bike rides -Candles

-Sunsets -Boyfriends who do romantic acts

-Sushi -Starbucks

-The sound of leaves or snow crunching under your feet

-Being adopted -Receiving flowers

-Boys' big, baggy sweat pants

-An ex-boyfriend's old hoodie

-The color blue -Suckers

-Fluffy puppies and kittens

-Tea

-Balloons -Being kissed on the forehead

-Books -The words conundrum and abyss (thank you Garden State)

-Staying up late enough to see the sun rise

-Laughing until your stomach hurts

-Being a past resident of 317 E. College Ave.

-Big sunglasses -Pandas

-All things pumpkin -Bonfires

-$1 Bud Select nights at Glory Days in Kent, Ohio

-Daydreaming -Listening to 90s music

-Wine -New running shoes

-Releasing all inhibitions for a night

-Falling in love all over again, whether old or new

-Random acts of kindness

-Rings

-Making hair moustaches -Wes Anderson flicks

Far Far

“Far far, there's this little girl, she was praying for something to happen to her. Every day she writes words and more words just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside. And she's strong when the dreams come cause’ they take her, cover her, they are all over the reality looks far now, but don't go. How can you stay outside? There's a beautiful mess inside. How can you stay outside? There's a beautiful mess inside.”

She's silent and innocent. Naive to the world, only a smiling face to what surrounds her.

Nothing spits drama or stress in her face. If it did, she's resilient, the hushed yet strong type. There's no chaos or unwritten, pending relationships needing attention. No war among men, no attacks of the faithless, only encouragement and life.

She blocks out anger and hatred because, to be honest, she doesn't allow it to exist in her world. Jealousy only forms in striving to be a better lover...to be calm, collected...wise and selfless.

Her composure forms a shield against all doubt and fear. She has no effort that doesn't lead only to her learning and growing...because she's only accepting, a lover to all. Her gracious spirit is wrapped up in the heart and soul provided to those around her. Mature beyond her years because she understands the world only through simplicity. It exists, only in the balloon she holds. Breakable, yes, but strong because she maintains the good, her hand holding on to what's left of patience, compassion, love. It's held intertwined in her hands. And her ultimate goal? Don't let this float away from her innocence. Don't let the good go.

Far away does this little girl appear to stand. She won't question your reasoning. She'll love with her entire heart because it's all she knows. No judgment, no unwillingness to jump for you. She's only there to hold your hand and reassure your ability in this world. She knows you're capable of anything, longing for that desire to breathe hopes of glory.

Her little wings of confidence, angel-like, barely keep her from floating away. She's too pure in form for this environment. Yet, she exists to help us, to view the world from her eyes and senses...to feel again.

She'll share her balloon with you if you can allow it. She requires our presence for survival just as much as we need hers. Our own self-pity, selfish and broken lives balance the serenity and wholeness of hers. She'll consume you sure enough the moment you step aside and let her carry you away. She's grateful for it though.

A rush of calm and peace envelops us simply from her presence alone. It's sane. It's real. It's true and meaningful. She's not broken but a healer. She'll lift what's left of our fragility in hopes of never seeing us fall again. Young and innocent, she knows of nothing else, no other purpose. If you're happy, she's happy. She smiles. Smiles at the colorful balloon.

This little girl isn't as far away as we imagine. But, she won't come running after us. She'll patiently wait. Wait until we're ready. Wait until we seek the inner child in ourselves. Wait to reacquaint what was lost. Innocence. Strength. She's there, waiting. It only depends on us as to how far she stands and how we'll allow her to save us. To create happiness again.

The woman I love

My life knows only a woman whose love is all I have. Maybe I have her eyes. Her hair. Her smile. Her quiet personality and ability to love with her entire heart. But my life knows of a woman I will never meet.

A part of me still screams with mercy to God not to have this path in life. Yes, there’s still a portion of me wishing this blessing yet curse wasn’t chosen for me. The constant suffering and struggles throughout my life put the perspective of hatred and bitterness at the forefront of my mind. A part of me still begs not to have this burden. This part of me was what wanted nothing to do with my biological mother and adoption for so very long.

I’ve never truly written about what thoughts, feelings and emotions surrounded my life for so long. Only in speaking with KCC campers or counselors and closest of friends did my real emotions hit surface. These most personal thoughts about adoption and my birth mother only resided in the deepest parts of me, hidden so only I could know them and reveal accordingly. Mainly, because I was ashamed. Ashamed and burdened by what I didn’t want to feel. Guilty for such feelings of someone I never knew. Weary of such emotions I couldn’t figure out and shame of something I never asked for.

I hated my birth mother.

And if you know anything about me, I rarely use the word “hate” for its meaning strikes me hard and requires me to truly feel it with passion. If anything, I love far too easily and allow just about anyone in to my open heart.

For 16 long years I despised this woman who birthed me. I honestly hated the one who gave me life to begin with. Who was I? Why did I feel this way? Because she gave me up for adoption. Because maybe her situation wasn’t good enough to keep me. Because she didn’t have the courage to hold on to her own baby, only long enough for the nine months I was in her. Because she wasn’t able to face her society and own fears but could so easily give me up. Because she forgot about me and gave me away to someone else. Because she didn’t consider what I could have been to her. Because she was able to give me away to a life I would be teased and ridiculed and questioned about forever. Because she didn’t love me.

All of what I felt for those 16 years. Sometimes I voiced these thoughts I was so adamant about, sometimes I kept them quiet. I struggled with the voices eating away at me and twisting what good I felt about adoption. It was only Korean Culture Camp and the support of my family that made me face my biggest fears and heartache. Without them I know I would still be bitter.

It wasn’t until I visited South Korea and met my foster mother that the thoughts which consumed my entire thinking for so long subsided and finally changed. Maybe God didn’t want me to change my mind until then. He knew I wasn’t ready. His plan of sending me to Korea meant more than just a trip to my homeland. He knew, but I didn’t.

The moment I saw my foster mother. The face I recognized even never fully knowing who she was for being adopted at only four months. The tears already streaming down her face. Running to me and grabbing my face between her two small and weathered hands. Uncontrollably hugging me and not letting go. Our arms wrapped around each other with a bond like we were family. Only being with this woman for four months yet sobbing over the emotion. Knowing what it was we shared. Being her first foster child and the one she still remembers after 13 years of fostering children. Knowing how much she loved me and cared for me….knowing my biological mother’s love was there too.

The moment we walked into a church of unwed, pregnant, young mothers preparing to give their baby up to adoption. Sitting across from women staring with wondering eyes. Fear in the room. Questions lingering. Silence deafening every mind. Tears starting to fall down the mothers’ cheeks as one begins to open her mouth and say something then silences herself. An hour of birth mothers questioning us whether we were angry with our own biological mothers. Whether we could forgive them for giving us up. Were we happy. Shock of awe on our faces. Not a dry eye in sight. The strength of these women. The care they showed to us….the love of my birth mother I knew was there.

Guilt still casts over me for those incidents to truly change my mind of heart when I shouldn’t have felt such anger to begin with. But, it was God’s way, and I wouldn’t have changed the course for anything. There’s a reason I didn’t grow into myself for so long. I must be quick to love yet slow to change my heart.

It’s obvious I no longer feel how I once did, feelings difficult for me to even pinpoint now five years later. How could I live a life like that? The judgment I passed of someone who unconditionally loved me yet never truly knew me. Where would I even be today if it weren’t for this woman I’ll never know? Who is she? I’ll never know, but I’m OK with that. She’s still a part of me. I’ll always be a part of her. I have her heart just as much as she has mine. Maybe I really do have her smile or her eyes. Her uncontrollable laughter and love for cuddling. She’s beautiful to me. Her soul is beautiful.

I love my biological mother with my entire heart.

My adoption journey is never-ending. Yes, I can finally be at peace with myself until another page in my book dog ears and decides it’s time to conquer the next hurdle. I’ll be ready. My heart tells me there’s something more out there I’m mean to trek along. Until then, I can only support those closest to me who know what the struggle is like. Who can compare their own personal strife and emotions to mine. Those who I sympathize with because I know what they’re experiencing. It’s encouragement for us all. It’s strength….it’s love…it’s family.

And this, for those of you:

You are beautiful, inside and out, in every manner possible. You’re strong, intelligent and years ahead of where I was. Don’t run away from your fears, face them with great pride. Courage only comes from those experiences we doubt. Don’t shy away from uncontrollable feelings and emotions, embrace them with the biggest heart you can find in yourself. Your journey is only beginning to unfold and explain a portion of your own life. I support you in all your ways and all your decisions because only you can decide for yourself. Don’t doubt it. Love with your entire heart and forgive quickly. If anything, you of all people know how precious life is, and we’re the ones to show this to the world. You are my brothers and sisters, the ones I love, the ones who have my heart. Without you, I am weak. Without you, I wouldn’t have known this part of me. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to write about my own adoption. I thank you for providing me the privilege of opening yourselves and willingly offer your most personal feelings to me. I am most grateful and honored. You share a love similar to mine. Whether your journey is still unfolding before you or whether you have yet to discover it, don’t let it scare you because there’s reason behind it. I won’t let you fall as long as you catch me when I do.

And this, for you, my birth mother:

I can only begin to describe the smallest amounts of how I feel about you. You’re also beautiful, strong, intelligent. I do not know you but want to. I do not believe I ever will have the opportunity to meet you, but I still pray for you and think of you daily. You are my mother. I am your daughter. You’re the sunshine on the darkest of days for me. And I’m sorry for the hatred that once stirred inside me, boiling, fuming and over flowing into my life. I was confused and lost and bitter for the things I had no control of. You only did what was necessary for a life I needed. I admire you for the woman you became the day you decided to give me away. Because forever will I be yours. I am grateful and blessed for the life you have allowed me to live. My heart still beats for you and longs for what you look like, who you are, how much of you I possess. My heart aches. It was broken but somehow managed to fall back together through this experience. Never fully healed but only aching now. I know you love me. Because I know I love you. You’ve given me something you weren’t able to, and for that, it’s selfless. It wasn’t easy for either of us and never will be, but I carry you with me forever. I see your face in front of me, your hand in mine, your gentle embrace similar to my hugs. Your smiling face and eyes signal a sign of approval. My pain is gone and my fears dissolved. Always a part of my life, always a part of me, always a part of my heart.

Drug Dealer

He's like a drug. And I can't quit him.

I'm dying to have him, tense and anxious until I get my hands on the next fix. Smoke it, snort it, shoot it into my veins any means necessary. I just have to have it. I need it.

Try and quit cold turkey, but you always end up back where you started. Push it out of memory until you consume your life with other means, only hurting yourself when you're left staggering back for more. Think you've done it this time. You've learned to let it go and move on. You're free of the addiction. Lies. They're only fibs to yourself, to others. What you may think or fully believe is the end of pain results in you coming full circle, knowledge of never quitting. Thought it was a phase. Maybe it was timing, seasonal. Or the surrounding crowd. Whatever is assumed, you were wrong. Wrong to think you can stop.

The wounds won't heal. And the bruises continue to fill with busted blood every time the drug fills your body. Every inhale stings harsher and stronger. It hurts, but you know it feels good. You know it's wrong, bad enough, but no means of stopping.

The pain lingers. Your lungs fill with the heaviness of regret and shame, of wishful thinking things could just be different. A different situation or different timing. You're hooked. Finished of any escape. Don't try to back away anymore. Just.Give.In.

Try, try again to run away. Extinguish the flame. Fan the smoke from your mind. A wasted effort and desire in the end. Because you love the chase. You love the unrequited love. The harmful taste of addiction and what it means to possess such a danger. You'd even lick your fingers dry for a twinge of the drug's satisfaction. Your stomach churns over this thought, but it's still true. Always thinking, "this is the last time" or, "I can do and be better than this." So, why's the addiction so difficult to kick to the curb? Why's it hurt just as deep when you try to come up for air?

Because the drug has broken you. The drug claws at your lungs, your blood, your mind and even heart. Let it in just once and you're sealed with the kiss of failure. The high you're used to comes rushing back through even a whiff of memory. It's a calm. A bad calm. Because this drug pulls you deeper than any other drug. And in turn, you love the pain. Unconsciously, you yearn for the pain of never quitting.

Acceptance. Learn to live with it. Pain. Unmoving. Stationary. Give up. Heartache. Unhealthy. Search for any better and more logical reason than these. Search yet never find. Is living with the addiction better than continuously trying to rid yourself of it? Let the resin continue to burn through your lungs and mouth and thick skin? Seep into your utmost soul? It's not easy to live with, but...you can't quit. You won't quit. You'd rather live with the consequences than lose it forever.

And that, just satisfies you thinking of the next fix. A fix and a hit you can't quit.

Let It Be.

"Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

- Matthew 19:14

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The blessing of a child caresses the cheeks of God today. Angels wings spread far and wide into depths of clouds made of mercy and grace, love and tenderness. The roads, paved golden and full of rejoice, welcome the tiny feet of a baby abounding with new life. Those above us spread palms of happiness and care throughout the skies. Today, God has been given a gift. Today, a baby surrounds heaven with love.

This little gift, little gift of pride and joy...of purity and serenity...of beauty and simplicity...he will shine his light on the world above him and below. No longer together but forever wrapping himself around the lives on earth. Protecting. Loving. Serving. Living. Blessing. Strengthening all who know him and given the opportunity to meet him. He won't stop living.

As people come and go, as society continues to function, remember. Remember this day and remember this baby. Remember the calm of his laugh and tears through the smiles of giggles. Remember the soft touch and gentle hands pressing yours. Remember his life and be thankful for the day. Remember how he hugged you and in every movement how subtle his love was. Remember the little life that lives on.

Tears of sadness might fall to our laps and soak our soul with unanswered reasons, but it's he who won't let you crumble. He's holding our Savior's hand and watching with praise to you. A broken and shattered heart will be pieced back together by his strength and love for you. With sorrow and pain left in your hands, will he be able to crawl into your arms and no longer let you feel what he cannot understand. But he does. He's with you and knows. And he'll capture what's left of you and bring you back to life. Because his will is meant to do so. His glory reaches God and the heavens beyond. His faith brings you closer to him. Just imagine it. Just believe it. Just feel it.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer.

Let it be.

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"How very softly you tiptoed into my world, almost silently only a moment you stayed, but what an imprint your footprints have left on my heart."

My Empty Heart

My heart feels empty yet so full. It's empty because the cracks finally crept their way to the strings and glue holding the pieces together. Empty from goodbyes and missing the most important people in my life. Empty because it can't bare to hold more love when it's constantly taken and seized and stored away. It feels like my heart's been expanded and fed and nourished only to be exhaled of all good and comfort. I wish goodbyes and "see you laters" weren't so difficult; I wish emptiness and loneliness couldn't exist...

About 1.5 million heart attacks occur yearly in Americans, according to ehealthmd.com. Now, of those heart attacks, how many possess causes based on a broken or empty heart? Imagine it if you can. That sinking feeling from regret or shame...a tender pain from rejection or discouragement...a simple ache from sending your goodbyes or waving a sign of leaving. It's all so severe and literally heart-wrenching. And my heart can't take it any longer. My heart's been giving and giving and rejoicing in what those around me provide my life with. And yet, it continues to grow weaker with every last hug or tear shed or "I miss you." I could see myself having a heart attack based on this alone.

I envision a heart where only good pumps in and out of the arteries. A heart in which sadness and stress and pain move out of and dissolve away. Where heart ache and emptiness repair the broken walls based on love and care alone. Why can't this be me?

My heart, my heart grew so strong with so many children and adults surrounding me with love; with passion; with something real. So willing and ready to love are the ones I've realized can only fill me full again. They might not realize it, but their strengths and compassion and truth in themselves and others fill me to the brim myself. Without them, I am weak. With them, I feel the world. I want peace and ease and faith to lead their hearts and keep them whole. My heart beats empty but trying to force through.

Drops of Peace

I stand watching the water drops fall to my feet. They fall carelessly within seconds of each other soon to be recycled to the drain beneath. The water is hot. Steam floats above my head and into the small space I occupy. Standing under the waterfall soothes my mind. Ever take such a deep breath of hot air you literally can't breathe? It's a moment of clarity. It's a moment when nothing in life matters but the next rush of oxygen entering your mouth. It's an escape from the swirling mess revolving around me. The stress evaporates for the 10 minutes of my day when my mind can take a break. Drops of purity cling to the contours of my body and wash away the frustration, anger, discouragement, sadness and guilt for the day leaving calm, sensible and happy feelings. A rush of peace surges through my body. These little things in daily life are the ones which bring me back to myself and give me meaning again. I breathe, I feel, I move on. Sighs of relief strangle the stress consuming my thoughts, squeezing them until they dissolve. Yes, it's these little things to truly make me happy. It's my moment and my moment only. After these pass, I want others to feel the same small bursts of life that I do, I want to allow those people in. Feel...smell...touch...listen....just breathe in the world around you. Enjoy the snapshots in time like this. We all need the little things. We all need our moments.

Selfish?

We're all aware of what it means. It's not often held in a positive manner nor granted points in the humanitarian aspect.

Dictionary.com defines 'selfish' as: 1. adj. Devoted to caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc.; regardless of others. It even makes you feel like less of a person just reading it, eh? Devoted. Concerned primarily. Own. Benefits. Caring. Welfare. Should these words really describe us, let alone people. They do though and more often than not. Do you know a selfish person? I do. It's me. Yes, I'll admit it even though I don't like to. I'm selfish from time to time and probably on occasion I don't even realize.

There are different kinds of selfish in response to its true definition. The obvious is in its practical form. We as human beings tend to enjoy ourselves and how everything might impact us and our lives. Everyone loves a good "me" light...some more than others. We're often caught up in a busy schedule, family crises, unnecessary drama and our own struggles pushing us toward this selfishness but never realizing it. I've done it. I know others who have done it or are like it. It can be noted as a sin but it's unfortunately unavoidable by every person. It's just whether a person is capable of removing oneself from this stance and returning to the rightful ground of sanity and reality. Bring yourself back down and focus. Know what you shouldn't be. And then, whew, you feel better knowing the podium you had previously cast yourself upon is no longer.

Another form of selfish is for desire. Think about it, how often do we want something we can't have? Desire becomes longing, which might become control or satisfying needs. This might be concerning love, food, exercise, gossip, knowledge...it's endless. At times, this selfish form is acceptable. We want what we love and need. Too much of it though can lead to the wrong form of selfishness. It's usually not until we get caught up in a moment or upset or angry when we've noticed that wall is hit. Back up. Rewind. Start again. This time, do it in more of an unselfish way. Often difficult to fix. Being selfish in love is the worst to me. You never feel good after realizing you've made the mistake of asking too much or thinking you need more than necessary. Selfish love is a no go. Sometimes you have to be but to know it's the best decision for you to be strong and fight for yourself. This too being difficult to accomplish when necessary.

I also think selfishness takes the form of greed. Despite its definite form, selfish describes entities, groups of people, countries and even individuals. We always crave more, more, more! Gotta have it. Think we need it. When in reality, we're just tangled in a falsity of greed. Maybe it's greed of power...or money...food...attention...control...monopoly...resources. I see this form as an entirety many countries take on. While hundreds of countries and its people are hanging on for just another day of light with food, other countries and its people fight to control those suffering ones and bring them down. Countries greed power and being the "ultimate." Why? Human nature.

If this one word blocks the bigger picture, then yeah, why? Who wants selfish people in this world? Granted, we're all a little selfish in some form or another. But, I think it's been created because without it, people would be almost too perfect. We need a little disorder and chaos at times. This word is trouble, yes, but also makes us imperfect and special. Why? Because we learn from these mistakes. We learn from our faults in order to make ourselves better. What a cycle. No one ever wants to be selfish but hey, it happens. Now, the important lesson is this kids, don't continue to be a selfish person if you recognize it ;) I like this imperfect world we're in. And you know what, I like that I'm imperfect too.

Fix You

I've been asked to contribute a personal vignette concerning my first experience with death. Extended family members whom I had little or no contact with never truly defined my life until my first encounter with death I still feel every single day of my life. I realize this might not be a very uplifting subject to start this whole blogging experience with, but this is on my mind now and so poignant.

My 24-year-old cousin committed suicide six years ago this summer. I still cannot believe it to this day. I still cannot accept what's happened. I still cannot accept the fact this has affected my life the way it has. I still cannot accept the negativity I have towards it and him, still.

He needed fixed. My family tried everything in their power to help him. His insides were wrong and broken. He needed hope that just didn't exist any longer. I wish I could have fixed him. I wish God could have fixed him....or more so I wish he would have allowed God to fix him.

Was he wrong for doing it? Yes. Who can ever believe taking their own life is justifiable? I'm not sure. Does the Bible punish those who commit suicide to Hell? Yes. Do I believe he's there? No. Think and hold true to what you personally feel, but I know my cousin still reached higher grounds and happier places after death. It was not until then that God repaired his broken life.

I'm still angry, bitter, depressed, saddened even years from his passing with this memory wringing itself around me for the rest of my life. Why did he do this. To himself. To our family. To religion. To me. I've never been able to move on and never will. There's no light of hopeful acceptance down the road. No value, words or experiences will ever help me bridge this emptiness and emotion I hold. But, I still love him and he's still my cousin. His heart is whole again and complete. I know he's finally happy.

We're continuously broken down and running on empty in life. We're halted to a stopping point when something in us just isn't right. The road suddenly stops, flooded with self-doubt and triumph distinguished by frustration and discouragement. Our inside mechanics rust. Now, who do we rely on to help fix us? To help place the pieces back together in a perfect fit. Who gets us started again?

For as long as I can remember, that person has been me. I don't rely on others and I don't trust many. When I'm broken, I retreat. My closure is hard and hurts. It's like a lock to an infinite abyss...no one discovers it. It's not easy, and it's not something I intentionally do despite these words. My feelings flow together to form a solid shelling around me encasing any welcoming help. There are very few I find to be similar to me in this manner. And sometimes, I feel like this is what my cousin did. He was reserved and introverted like I always have been. It's not something we want but am.

And while I am the way I am I constantly place others' happiness over mine and needing others to be all right before I am. I don't know why, but others' pain and struggles hit me ten fold, and I want to help them and support them and fix them.

Slowly and unwillingly am I continuously learning to veer from this instinct. Previous incidents and experiences made me the way I am. I can't continue to blame those events and people on the person I am. Last year truly shed warning on my life in this area...struggle and pain never seems to stop. It's losing one battle after another and breaking down until our parts repair themselves. It's learning to depend on those who really do care and support. It's learning to let go and open. It's being OK to allow others to see a part of me I hide. It's just learning.

I'm broken. I always have been and will continue to be. But, I know the people in my life, my surroundings, my experiences will put me back together again, eventually. And I'm OK with that.

I've been unlocked. Whether by you, another person or someone no longer in my life. Unlocked and broken but needing repair. I'll fix you if you help fix me.