“Watch my back so I’ll make sure, you’re right behind me as before. Yesterday, the night before, tomorrow. Dry my eyes so you won’t know. Dry my eyes so I won’t show. I know you’re right behind me. Don’t you let me go, let me go, tonight. Don’t you let me go, let me go, tonight.”
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Fingers intertwined in confusion. Mind failing to escape any rational understanding. Pulse moving at the speed of light. Leg twitching in anticipation of wanting more. Impossible to feel this way. Timing and control inconveniently butting heads. Why.
Ever long for something with such strength and desire you can’t let it go? Ever want it so bad you just can’t find any conclusion as to why it’s happening to you? Part of it strikes you as fear, part being unfair and part in plain confusion. If it appears so great, so true, so pure then why should any questions or wondering exist? Should it not be fair to assume no one deserves to be kept waiting or lost with this longing or desire? Can’t we have it all?
No. Plain and simple. We can’t possess everything we believe should be ours, we don’t even deserve everything which makes us feel so wonderful and whole. Yet, why be tried with this temptation or feelings pushing you to jump… hoping you fall where you’re meant to land…hoping the decision you choose is right. Sure, mistakes are meant for the experience and growth, but what if you can’t afford to fall and realize you won’t be caught. Can you jump knowing you’ll be greeted with what you expect at the bottom? What reassurance is there besides faith and time.
You know this feeling, these strong feelings, aren’t just passing. You want it all right now. You don’t want to suffer waiting. You’ve never felt this way with such strength. The “what if I choose this” and “but what if I choose this” swirl clouds of stinging reality and the unknowing hope all at the same time. None of it really makes sense. Your mind doesn’t make sense and your feelings don’t make any real connection to the time or place. No helpful calm or wisdom or understanding to sort this out. No index card or paper to so easy file where it belongs all in the right order. You’re alone in this and alone in your thoughts. You know what you feel is strong, all-wanting and hopeful there’s even more than what’s pulling you in now. Continue to fight the urge and walk on with a perceived yet willing notion of the future that might be ahead…or let your walls down again and accept what you feel might just be right. Another heart over mind matter at stake. Your heart at stake. Your changes fresh on a new path.
Desire so strong and so consuming you want more. Let it claw away at you for a little longer or just give up. You know what you feel is good. Should you just give in?
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