A One Way Street

“Watch my back so I’ll make sure, you’re right behind me as before. Yesterday, the night before, tomorrow. Dry my eyes so you won’t know. Dry my eyes so I won’t show. I know you’re right behind me. Don’t you let me go, let me go, tonight. Don’t you let me go, let me go, tonight.”

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Fingers intertwined in confusion. Mind failing to escape any rational understanding. Pulse moving at the speed of light. Leg twitching in anticipation of wanting more. Impossible to feel this way. Timing and control inconveniently butting heads. Why.

Ever long for something with such strength and desire you can’t let it go? Ever want it so bad you just can’t find any conclusion as to why it’s happening to you? Part of it strikes you as fear, part being unfair and part in plain confusion. If it appears so great, so true, so pure then why should any questions or wondering exist? Should it not be fair to assume no one deserves to be kept waiting or lost with this longing or desire? Can’t we have it all?

No. Plain and simple. We can’t possess everything we believe should be ours, we don’t even deserve everything which makes us feel so wonderful and whole. Yet, why be tried with this temptation or feelings pushing you to jump… hoping you fall where you’re meant to land…hoping the decision you choose is right. Sure, mistakes are meant for the experience and growth, but what if you can’t afford to fall and realize you won’t be caught. Can you jump knowing you’ll be greeted with what you expect at the bottom? What reassurance is there besides faith and time.

You know this feeling, these strong feelings, aren’t just passing. You want it all right now. You don’t want to suffer waiting. You’ve never felt this way with such strength. The “what if I choose this” and “but what if I choose this” swirl clouds of stinging reality and the unknowing hope all at the same time. None of it really makes sense. Your mind doesn’t make sense and your feelings don’t make any real connection to the time or place. No helpful calm or wisdom or understanding to sort this out. No index card or paper to so easy file where it belongs all in the right order. You’re alone in this and alone in your thoughts. You know what you feel is strong, all-wanting and hopeful there’s even more than what’s pulling you in now. Continue to fight the urge and walk on with a perceived yet willing notion of the future that might be ahead…or let your walls down again and accept what you feel might just be right. Another heart over mind matter at stake. Your heart at stake. Your changes fresh on a new path.

Desire so strong and so consuming you want more. Let it claw away at you for a little longer or just give up. You know what you feel is good. Should you just give in?

What's Mine to Give.

Slowly, the pieces finally fall securely into place.

Mind-crushing and harsh, do I realize the truth.

Why do I give myself so freely and often openly to anyone passing into my life? And why, so frequently that I do, seem to be crushed time and time again? I believe I care so much about people in general and continuously give myself to the ones I love because that’s all I have to offer. That’s all I can do without letting the fear of having no one seep through me and be gone for good. I give so much of myself to everyone I let in because I’ve been given up on before, by too many people in too many different portions of my life. And I fear losing what I’ve grasped so close to me. She gave me up for adoption. He broke my heart. They stole my trust. He gave up in us and ran away. He stole my heart that isn’t his to have. Those two used me. She couldn’t keep me.

I keep smiling because it’s all I can do from letting my own thoughts consume the good and steal away with the façade placed over my face. My heart is what holds me together and yet it so easily provides itself to every person walking in and out of my life, offering every bit of strength and compassion it possesses. More than not, I allow people to take those offerings and leave without reason…leave me to my own…leave because they can without strings attached. What about me and my heart.

Give without reason. Expect nothing in return. We as humans are called upon this task based on the word of the Lord. Only He places us where we should be, in what time frame, for the right reasons. He’s the one able to act selflessly for us with little given back. In ways, I expect close to nothing from many these days based on society alone. We’re only human in perspective and make these mistakes to stand corrected. I’m only human and know I am faulty in my thoughts and actions as well. Yet, my human heart starts to slow year after year, heartache after heartache because I concede for it to happen. It’s a tiring act and realization, for anyone.

My heart yearns for acceptance and compassion it might never receive. But I’ll keep loving. I’ll keep giving it to someone without caution because it’s all I can do. It’s all I have. I want to wrap its meaning and service around yours entirely, completely. Why? For someone else to get up and leave my life, changing lives and surroundings, people moving on with life? Yes, I’ll still do it…because very few have fully given themselves to me and it’s my purpose to give myself to others. We unconsciously crush ourselves with desires and lives surrounded with daily purpose but take little time to appreciate the ones serving us and providing the real meaning. What do you love? Who do you love? Let me in so I can show you. I’ll honestly give you everything I have just to make you happy, just to maintain your hold, simply for your love in return.

A Secret.

I'll let you in on a secret of mine.

There's a road leading to my parent's house in Reynoldsburg. I drive it often, almost daily, going to and from point A to B. After my parents decided to downsize their house in Pickerington after I left for college, we moved to the one in Reynoldsburg. There's a house down on this road, a small ranch style, white, petite yet homey. I noticed this house one morning coming back from church after moving and from then on, every Sunday I looked into this house to view a very similar site: An old man sitting in his comforter chair, sometimes reclined, sometimes not. Most times he would be reading the Sunday newspaper or watching TV. I very rarely saw his wife, but she was there.

This very scene became regular to me and it wasn't long before I began looking into this front-windowed house every time I passed it while home visiting from school. Now, after living back home again, I pass this house very often. It's a form of comfort for some reason. I look for the old man and his wife, wondering what they're doing, expecting to see him sitting in his recliner.

Well, one day during this past fall I passed the house running some errands and noticed a big, red flashing ambulance truck sitting in the drive.

My heart shattered.

And what more than to see the old man I so cherished being wheeled out to the ambulance on a stretcher, strapped in and oxygen mask over his face.

I slowed my car down and couldn't believe what I saw. I was almost in tears seeing this right in front of me. I honestly couldn't believe it.

"Was he going to make it? What happened? Will he be okay?? Please don't die. Dear God, don't let this man die. What would become of his wife if he passed? Would she be okay without him? I don't want her to be alone yet, I don't want him to suffer. Please God, let everything be okay..."

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I looked to the house when passing it the following days only to see the curtains closed and no cars in the driveway. Turns out a few days later, he's okay from what I can tell. He's laying down in the recliner, oxygen mask attached to his face like the life keeping him going. His wife is bent over him, helping him with something, maybe making sure he's comfortable.

A sigh of relief.

I still look to the house every time I pass. I still see a very similar scene but he's always in the chair now. And, for some reason, it still somewhat breaks my heart seeing this. What is their life like together? I constantly wonder if he's happy...if she's happy...if he's healthy. It brings my memory back to the last several months of my grandfather's life. My grandma was his surviving stone. She helped, shouldered, labored and loved her husband until the day he passed. She devoted her life to him. Has this elder woman done the same for her husband she so cares for? It's dedication...it's sacrifice...it's love. And it amazes me to know such a bond is possible between two people. We do it without reason because we care, because we love and want this person to be okay. Maybe I feel connected to this couple because they remind me so much of my grandparents. The human heart can bare so much for so many, especially the one we're most devoted to.

I care about this couple and this elder man. I hope he's happy. I hope their life together has been memorable and more than satisfying. I'll be heartbroken the day I look into their window and realize he's no longer there. Life can be so fulfilling yet heart wrenching from simple situations like this. The human emotion constantly playing and tugging at our heart strings...

Dog Days.

I wish we all held the brain of a dog. Okay, maybe not the brain capacity per se but more along the lines of their compassion and easily forgiven mistakes.

I've recently noticed how quickly dogs of any kind live to please their "masters" and strive for their full attention, always. It truly amazes me despite the several messes or lack of listening and obeying a dog might take on, they only seek for our approval directly following their acts. And no matter how much we yell or scold, they come following back waiting for that pat on the head or nod of forgiveness. All a dog seeks is our love, care and compassion, holding no anger or conflict against us ever.

Why can't humans adapt similar tactics? Why must we hold grudges and angst against one another because of some petty statement or argument? Why always possess the need to judge those around us, be offended so easily, be quick to base a person's character on impressions? I think the world would be a lot happier if we could simply do like the dogs and ultimately want to please our friends and family without reason or owing the other for a good deed, no questions asked. If we loved in simplicity, we might find living with one another a bit easier and in turn, see the real capabilities of human compassion.

I love this quality of canines. I wish I could follow suit like them and be more like their character. Granted, I might end up with my tail between my legs every so often, but I might see the world in better perspective if I sought more love and approval in such unpretentious ways.

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Hap-pi-ness [hap-ee-nis]:

-noun

1. The quality or state of being happy.

2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

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This entry is all-things happy. Things that make me happy. Things that I hope make others happy. Things that truly bring me joy. I sat down in July 2009 and started a list of "happy." Now, I share these with you and hope a few if not all of them can bring some smile or smirk to your face. And, I'm hopeful, you can relate with some or even start your own list. No matter how cliche these ring and over-run they might be, they're what make me truly happy. I possess the never-ending journey of seeking real happiness in my life. A journey that often brings me in cycles of happy and misery. And again I begin a new cycle to find happiness in my life.

My Happy (in no particular order):

-Sunshine -Family

-Hugs -Friends

-Mailed letters -Brown packages

-Asian babies/children -Airports

-Beaches -Shopping

-Long phone conversations with an old friend

-My mother -Pinkie promises

-Chopsticks -Road trips

-Spontaneity -Laying in the snow

-Black and white photography

-Flying -Night running

-My dad's terrible jokes

-Finding random money in your pocket or purse

-Massages -Running

-Cool, summer nights -Coffee dates

-Long conversations over coffee dates

-Ice cream -Pianos

-Fond memories that make you laugh

-Being high -Helping others

-Reading -"Tears of joy"

-Music -Nostalgia

-Coffee -Chocolate

-Cold nights inside -S'mores

-Cuddling -Snow Christmas morning

-Laughing -KCC

-Peanut Butter -Caramel

-Eating -Sleeping

-Long naps -Magazines

-New socks -Eskimo kisses

-Fall -Getting caught in summer rain

-Peace -Being in love

-Dancing -Dresses

-Old letters and notes -Weddings

-Hiking -Stationery

-Bike rides -Candles

-Sunsets -Boyfriends who do romantic acts

-Sushi -Starbucks

-The sound of leaves or snow crunching under your feet

-Being adopted -Receiving flowers

-Boys' big, baggy sweat pants

-An ex-boyfriend's old hoodie

-The color blue -Suckers

-Fluffy puppies and kittens

-Tea

-Balloons -Being kissed on the forehead

-Books -The words conundrum and abyss (thank you Garden State)

-Staying up late enough to see the sun rise

-Laughing until your stomach hurts

-Being a past resident of 317 E. College Ave.

-Big sunglasses -Pandas

-All things pumpkin -Bonfires

-$1 Bud Select nights at Glory Days in Kent, Ohio

-Daydreaming -Listening to 90s music

-Wine -New running shoes

-Releasing all inhibitions for a night

-Falling in love all over again, whether old or new

-Random acts of kindness

-Rings

-Making hair moustaches -Wes Anderson flicks