Inspired.

I know from the moment my mom walks back into the house that it isn’t good news. Ever had that creeping feeling when you know something awful has happened? It was that kind of news.

My 24-year-old cousin is dead. He committed suicide. The room starts spinning and I lose my breath. I have to sit to regain composure. Never could I have imagined losing someone like this. My mom, through strong tears, hugs my brother and I.

“We’re going to be OK,” she whispers.

I do not feel the same, though, and at that moment, there I stand — heartbroken, angry, sad and upset. Why did he do this? How could he do this to himself. To God. To our family. He needed help but never sought it. I know my family tried with everything in them. It’s just…unimaginable to be here. Unbearable.

Years later and I still haven’t fully recovered. I don’t believe anyone ever can. You can’t come back from something like this, but he’s still my cousin, and I still love him.

— Kim Brown (Daily Kent Stater online, May 6, 2010, class vignette)

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What makes one appreciate life? Appreciate life to its fullest, deep-down, dig-into-the-soul kind of feeling? Heartbreak, death, experience, God, birth, triumph? This full-circle revelation and trust came to me as a tragedy.

He was alone. Not the kind we sometimes need to regroup, relax and refocus ourselves. It wasn't even the kind when we sometimes push people away to be alone with just ourselves. He was alone for years, alone in himself, feeding into zero exit. He was in a manic depressive bipolar disorder state with no escaping. It was helplessness in a world of no outcome for him. States of high emotion and states of low emotion. Was it all of this...or fear of never finding inspiration again? Did he fear his every day rather than simply go through the motions and keep pushing? What was this sadness that made him choose the most heartbreaking of faults.

I was angry. For years.

Angry he could ever think to do this to our family. Angry to imagine what found him at this level...to not exist and extinguish everything he carried with him. Angry he even did such a thing to himself. And even angrier that he left us.

I was heartbroken by him.

I still feel what I did from that day in June in 2004 up until now: You never recover. As much faith and change and life continues to create and move forward, a person can never go back. It's facing the problems someone you cared so deeply for committed. You have to turn to the realization he's gone, forever. You have to take the time to swallow what he's done to himself and to a family surrounded by simple love. Impossible to understand the reasoning. Why? Why, why, why....

And yet, at the same time, there lies blame. Guilt. Fault in ourselves. Why didn't we do more? How could we have prevented this? He tried. We tried...but I don't think hard enough. There's only so much one can do before a mind is made up, I understand all that. But, why HIM. Why wasn't it enough? Could we have loved him more? Given him more reason to keep pushing. It tears my heart apart even thinking of not being enough for him. That life wasn't enough for him anymore. Living wasn't what he chose. When we all run and run away all our lives and yet, he stopped in his journey and ended it too soon. I feel ashamed to know we did what we could, but it wasn't enough. Regret. Something I couldn't stop.

When do we stop mourning? Never. When do we forget? Never. When will our hearts and minds be at ease? Never. He's with me, always. And I wouldn't have it any other way. He's fallen, and still sealed himself in me that I'll never lose hold of. My heart still aches, still longs for him to be with us. Who knows what life would be like for him if he kept going. Maybe it could be worse. I doubt it though. God tells us we are born as His own, born to be servants of the Lord and walk in this path. And despite, despite what anyone or anything might tell me, I know David is still with us, still looking down on us...he's in a peaceful place with himself and his heart. I'd rather him be at peace then living in a world where he only saw darkness.

He's been my inspiration for years and will always be my inspiration. To never give up. To keep fighting. To live for a reason. To love unconditionally and fully. To accept and forgive. To always know reason won't always come without doubt or obstacle. I miss him. Every day. Every time my skin is reminded of a part of him. And I just wish I had been given more time with him before tragedy became reality.

David, there isn't a day that passes I do not think of you. There's not a day I wonder how you are, what you're doing, how you're feeling. And I miss you. Entirely. I'm sorry. Sorry I couldn't have done more. Sorry we didn't have enough time together. Sorry for the relationship I wasn't able to fully build with you. I admired you, still admire you. You will always be my angel and strength day in and day out...good times and bad...changes and new beginnings. I love you, forever. I know I'll be seeing you soon. Happy 31st birthday cousin.

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"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:22

Inspire Me: Mom and Dad

"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it." -George Moore

Without them, I wouldn't be here today. Without them, I wouldn't be as appreciative of life as I am. Without them, I don't know what life would be like or where I would even be.

My parents. I admire them in ways beyond my years. A little bit "old fashioned" and traditional with a touch of contemporary love and style.

I don't remember a day in passing where I haven't heard an, "I love you" or a simple hug for good feeling. Raised to be proud of myself and two heritages, never once have they denied me of my Korean background intertwined with my American. They've brought me thus far in life, and I owe them all. Providing for this family has always been their number one priority...giving back and protecting...strength and honor. We're far from a traditional family and traditional ways, however.

Neither grew up with the comfortable, secure life I know as my own, and both have worked to be in the position that exists today. Raised as country kids, with simple necessities served as their basis to work hard and defend the definition of family. I admire their age of wisdom and ability to love unconditionally...to both family and friend.

I seek to give back to them one day and take care of them, like they have for me all my life. Still very dependent yet grateful for everyday I share with them. I've been blessed with parents who share with me and have taught me the true sacrifice of love and guidance. They've given me the gift of life, and I hope to one day be just an ounce of how beautiful, strong and loving I view them as. I want to work hard and make them proud just as they've always been supportive and pushing of me. I wish to take pieces of my parents I genetically cannot but able to possess personality traits, drive, love and courage such as they've shown.

Short and sweet, my parents are my own. My parents are my heroes. Sparkling with fondness and gratitude, I can never push them off the pedestal they've conquered in my eyes.

Inspire Me: Alyssa Marie

"A sister is both your mirror - and your opposite."

My friend of 14 years and continuing to grow stronger with every new year. My complete mirror yet total opposite at the same time. Strong, crazy yet beautiful defines this woman of a mere 23 years old. We've seen every day and night together, been through every hardship and tear of life. Whether difficult or riding on a high, we're there for one another. We've fought but only because we care about the other and never one to take grudge into the future. Without her, I am nothing. With her, she completes my life and personality.

This little, petite ball of fire and spunk will get any conversation rolling. She'll fight for what's right and have your back against the most terrible of situations. Loyal to the bind, Alyssa trusts and holds your security with her heart. She might come off as strong-headed or overwhelming, but it's who she is...she just needs the moment to gain your own trust and honesty, and you'll never look back again. She never wants to make a person feel uncomfortable or out of place (unless of course she doesn't like you, you'll know). I wouldn't be where I am in life without her. She's given me strength and love and courage beyond belief and beyond any other person closest to me. I love her as a sister and know I can run to her in need. I'm there for her just as she is with me. We're a bond, a connection, not one without the other.

Time has only brought us closer as it should. And time will carry our friendship and relationship throughout the years, making us older, wiser and fonder of the other. She'll be there til the end, and it's a comforting promise I know I'll always have deep within. A strong fighter but gentle lover. Hilarity to fill a room and memory but also sincerity to last over the harshest of waves. I can depend on her just as she knows she has my trust and backing. I've never had someone like Alyssa Marie to provide more laughter and love from two years ago all the way back to childhood. She faces life with a smile and willing personality, ready to attack and ready to learn and grow. There's such an air of havoc yet calm only she can create. Fun-loving and strong desire of life like no other. I've seen it over the span of many years.

It's impossible to truly define our friendship or just how many ways she inspires me, but it's true. It's honest. It's real. She's real. She's a real friend and sister. Her half inspires my half I lack. I can't imagine my life without the darling piece to my timid side. She's a rarity in Asian form and a rarity to myself. I love her as my sister and appreciate her more than words could possibly capture. Alyssa Marie, the crazy yet wonderful woman I am so fond of. Thank you.

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Inspire Me: Jillian

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." (Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear)

-A.A. Milne

She won't always be composed and strong-minded. She won't always be the one to say, "I can, and I know I can." She won't always have a smile on her face. But she's only human. I can tell you what she is though, what I know she is and always will be.

Her innocent expression leads to the gentle touch and gentle heart surrounding her aura. Give her a minute of your time, and she'll capture your heart completely. She picks you up and gives you the essence of personality; she gives you the boost in your day, the sunshine on a cloudy day. She's been there through the darkest of days and brightest of memories for me. I can hardly recap a moment the past four years she hasn't been a part of. Engraved forever in me and in my life, Jillian gives me more than I could ever thank her for. She's gracious and beautiful inside and out. Unlock her emotions, and she won't stop spilling, but in a good way. In a way you're able to relate to her and a way she continues to capture the heart with. It's sincerity in its purest form.

She's been through her days. She's experienced and well-versed in life. Hope in a bottle to my life. Hope in others. Always hope for a new day to touch her skin. Provide a challenge, and she won't back down until it's accomplished. Her stunning looks aren't just for show; she's a model of character and a rarity in all ways. Catch her if you can because she will not settle for ordinary. She is simply not ordinary.

My rock in times of need. My friend by my side. My confidant in days I am not. My trust and honor. My girlfriend and honesty. Wrong her and you wrong me. I can't help but admire her. She befriended me without question and has always given without doubt. We've become sisters embodied in each other's souls. An inspiration to my life and strength.

I've met a person who might not always be it, but is so much stronger than me in so many ways and manners. I can't always accept the uncontrollable things, no one can. I can't always handle them in ways I know how, but she does. She might not understand always, might not always be strong for herself, but it's something she'll never fully recognize in herself because she is. She is strong, willing and determined. Stronger by days and words. Stronger in soul than I. Admiration to cover her head to toe because she means that much to me, because I mean that much to her. Don't let her down because she might tumble. But catch her and she'll be grateful.

Jillian, a best friend, a strong heart, a strong soul. Give yourself that knowledge and give yourself that notion because I see it in you...let yourself grow...let yourself continue to strengthen and love...let yourself go and hope for new days.

"Somewhere over the rainbow way up high, and the dreams that you dreamed of once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, and the dreams you dreamed of. Dreams really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where trouble melts like lemon drops high above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me. Oh somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly, and the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?"

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Inspire Me: Girls

"Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away."

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass." -Maya Angelou

I'll be the first to admit, I've never been very fond of girls in general (yes, I know I am one). They're catty, deceiving, girly, talkative and many more things I could go on and on about. But, despite those aspects, some of the closest people in my life, the ones I trust most and love unconditionally until the end of time happen to be girls. They're women I admire and seek for guidance. They've been my backbone just as I hope they can call me theirs. We're sisters of heart and soul.

And the more time I spend with youth and younger girls, the more I have come to appreciate the aspect of womanhood. I dedicate this to the various young women in my life I've been blessed to meet and continue to grow with. They're the ones inspiring me every day.

Young yet Naive

Beautiful and Innocent

Wise by being Sheltered

Entrusting yet Fragile

Strong from being Broken

Forgiving yet Guarded

Composed while still Care-free

I've never met such openly strong-headed young women as the ones present in my life the past couple of years. I look back to my own high school days and can't seem to pin-point myself in them. Perhaps it's the generation changes and societal gain of women, but more importantly I believe these girls to be most special and precious. They can't be lent to all because of how fragile and young they are. They might not know it and have years ahead to continue learning, but they're at the brink of being shred to pieces. ...from society...from life...from people...from experience. And I want to hover around them and protect what form they currently possess, so afraid of their shells being shattered.

Give them a goal, and they won't stop until it's accomplished. Let them run loose a bit, and you won't be able to keep up. Allow them to speak their minds, and they'll expose just how forward they are. They give me the strength I never thought capable of myself at that age. They make me laugh. I can relate to them now, at the still young age of 22, when I never would have imagined possible. I look at them as see such beauty and strength. Walls of inexperience yet years ahead of them to mature their minds and souls. I can't help but admire. They're the ones inspiring me to be more like them. To let go of the little and simply live. To be naive here and there and run like hell. To love and be broken but mend through our pain. To hold friendships and make memories and live every day one day at a time.

They may never know what I truly think of them or even realize the impact they hold on others' lives. It's something to truly open our eyes to.

I'm inspired. I adore. Thank you to you girls.

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Inspire Me: The World You Love.

"I got a story it's almost finished, all I need is someone to tell it to. Maybe, that's you.

Our time is borrowed and spent too freely. Every minute I have needs to be made up but how? I'm looking for a nice way to say, "I'm out." I want out.

I fall asleep with my friends around me, only place I know, I feel safe. I'm gonna call this home.

The open road is still miles away. Hey nothing serious, we still have our fun. Oh we had it once. Windows open and close, that's just how it goes.

Don't it feel like sunshine after all, the world we love forever, gone we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are."

-Jimmy Eat World "The World You Love"

Our right to freedom. The feeling of summer touching our skin, peeling away the long months of winter cold and loneliness. We're open, we're ready to go. As I spend more and more time with youth, the more and more I see the world from their perspective. And the more and more I remember what life was like back then. How it still is now. What those feelings and emotions brought upon us. What mattered then flash forwarded to what matters now. We grow, we experience, we age...we're kissed with the spirit of life carrying us along our own path and journey. But, amongst all the differences and changes remains one thing: the divine right to our sense of being, to make a home where our hearts take us.

We gravitate towards the emotions of the "now" and the actions to accompany them. There's nothing wrong with this. We're driven to keep dreaming and imagining and hoping because of this. We create a world we shield ourselves from, create a world we begin to love and cherish. It's comfort and security. It's the most prized possessions of our hearts. We lay next to the closest and most immediate ones, entrusting all pride and thoughts and securities within them. It's our happiness.

Don't try to steal this from us because change results in havoc. Strewn about like discarded daily clothing, we're tossed about both physically and mentally. Sure it happens between the period of high school through graduating college, and many years after this, but we still protect those worlds we want most. We're always fighting for the worlds we've created, allowing new things and people in here and there and crushing others that have faded.

This sense of being, sense of feeling alive, it's in our hearts forever. It's sealed with our dreams and hopes and faith. Those summer nights of careless, no-destination drives with our friends...late-night runs to get ice cream...porch drinking and mindless chatter...being in love against the heat of day...laughter to fill the voids of every space...that's our being, that's our world. We thirst to capture it and hold it in the most inner depths. No matter the age, the distance, the grade, we're all the same in seeking our world and being captivated by it every moment, every summer.

This inspires me. It gives me a great fill of life. I drink it up and want more and more. I remember feeling it back in high school summers. College created something new but still a world and home to call my own. And now I'm ready to find and fill this world again with new people and places and feelings. It drives me to hug life and appreciate what I once lost from it. I'm ready. I feel it. I am inspired.

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Ignite the Soul

I've had a long lag in my writing as of late. My schedule seems to have proven me busier than I thought I was. But then again, that's probably just an excuse to make me feel better for not writing.

I started thinking about what inspires me to write, what inspires me to throw my thoughts down on paper (err, in typing most of the time). You know what I came up with? A LOT of things. A LOT of people.

So to ease me back into forming actual meaningful thoughts and words, I've come up with a list of sorts of who/what inspires me and inspires my life to get me started. Here they are:

-God and faith

-My boyfriend

-My family...more specifically, my mother, father and grandmother

-My friends

-Love

-Hope and dreams

-Sunshine

-My adoption

-Helping others

-The future

-The seasons

-KCC

-Tragedy

-The beach

Obviously many more things, objects, items, places and people inspire my every day and every being, but no one needs to know every detail. I plan to pick a few of these and elaborate more in the upcoming weeks/entries. If you're reading this, you probably inspire me as well. The simple fact you're reading this makes me hopeful someone will always be reading...someone always there to listen and feel.

So, stay tuned, more to come...

I Am A Soldier

I see many people, in pain, in grief, and in sorrow.

I fear for that I myself may lose my life also...

I hear people yell, scream, and cry, the gunshots are loud drums banging wildly. I hear someone scream something to me, but I don't notice because I see and taste the rain pouring down like teardrops floating down to earth.

I smell the anger in the air, and in a split second my friend had been shot...dead as thin air...

I try to stifle my crying, but boiling inside me was frustration and sadness.

After the war ended, I was glad I had lived, but I still have fearful nightmares taunting me. I remember and honor my pal today on Veterans Day, and I am a brave soldier that fought in the war...

I AM A SOLDIER

Kim Brown Age: 11 Grade: 6

What Is It?

Do you see what I see?
A light to the world, vision of hope from a broken past.
Do you see what I see?
Someone to guide me on my lost path. Someone to protect me, provide for me, motivate me.
Do you see what I see?
Respect and admiration of whirling experiences all melded together. A single being held with high distinction from any other. Proven in his drive.
Do you see what I see?
Love like no other. Passion. An unlikely story driven by emotion. A reason. A meaning.
Do you see what I see?
Utmost concern and bits of worry surrounding my life to keep me together. Holding me from falling, safety to my touch.
Do you see what I see?
Not just meaningless opinion and judgement, not just passing thoughts and feelings but building through differing character. Learning. Growing. Changing. Not just words.
Do you see what I see?
My sunshine. My light. My desire.
Do you see what I see?
Push and encouragement to make those leaps, be sure of brighter days, be willing to get better and mend.
Do you see what I see?
The future. Together. A world surrounded by immense love. Shared lives and experience. Floating souls traveling the same cloud as one.

Do you see what I see?

Able to see past the flaws, sometimes embedded, sometimes as a result of the past. Able to forgive and move forward. Able to accept and realize our differences make us want to fix for the other.

Do you see what I see?
Fear of breaking, fear of you releasing from my strong grip. Fear of your disbelief and not understanding me.

Fear you will be just another to walk away from my life.

Do you see what I see?

Never finding another, never another love like this. The last to love and give.

What is it you see?

Do you see what I see? Feel what I feel? Unable to fully compose a complete and solid finding of this love, this meaning, but knowing it is right in every way. Keeping that trust and faith. Belief and acceptance. Do you see it too? Do you want this life? Changing for the better as a result of you revealing to me. Revelations which make us different and unique yet special to one another and willing to be patient. A love to maintain bonded and strong. Do you see what I see?

What is it you really see?

All We Are Saying, Is Give Peace A Chance

Maybe it's time we all took a lesson from John Lennon and just give peace a chance.

I'll Admit...

I've never really been compelled to write about celebrities or athletes or prominent, societal figures in this blog, but I've come to change my mind. Also a close friend, writing regularly about women she admires, gives credit to not only their strikingly good looks and accomplishments but also who they are, what they do and fully captures inner beauty (thanks Sus!). Despite how over-paid actors, sports announcers, athletes, talk show hosts, etc. etc. are, many go unnoticed for their acts of kindness, humanitarian efforts and overall down-to-earth personalities. For that, I'd like to pay tribute to a duo I've always admired.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Been a fan ever since I can remember. Even through their stages of drug abuse and rumored eating disorders, I knew they'd overcome the frowns and stares and media efforts to bring them down. And they did persevere, with beauty still intact.

They're young (only 24), multi-millionaires, successful in television, film, books, fashion and beauty cosmetics...and obviously they're twins (they're fraternal, not identical though!).

Very few young women professionals at this age have accomplished and fulfilled the goals these girls have. They started their acting careers at a mere nine months old all thanks to Full House. Not to mention I was a die-hard MK&A movie series fan growing up too. The girls have grown to starting, building and owning their own company (Dualstar Empire) to include the various books, films, fashion and music that have hit many tween faces and impacted their worlds.

Yes, so they might not be the all-stunning and peace bearing humanitarians like I truly admire and follow, but they've charged through society at every age and stage imaginable. Being in the spotlight from nine months old through 24 years old marks them as not only intriguing but well-worthy of their success and fame.

Kudos girls, keep on doing your thing.

Be OK

Is it possible to be too happy?

More lately than not I've questioned this for myself.

I'm happy. And more than just content. The future stands at my doorstep banging louder and louder every day, but I finally see an open door and opportunity. Why? Because of who exists in my life. What I've realized is necessary for growth at this moment in my life. The burden of being stuck in this limbo but keeping an open mind for the future. Someone who gives me the strength and support I need and love tucked deeper and deeper within every day I'm blessed to wake up to. It's the people I'm thankful for. An unexpected turn in my life the past months but only to make me more appreciative of the opportunities I'm granted. Living a life I wouldn't have envisioned seven months ago but loving what I possess more and more as the days pass.

This happiness, do I deserve it? Should it be seized from me when I'm a hypocrite of my own self?

I've always lived by trying my damnedest to put others before myself and do everything in my possible power to make sure they are happy over me. Call it a shameful, selfish plug if you want, but it's the truth. I'd rather surround the lives of those I care most about with happiness and strength and love over my own. Make those I love important and ensuring they're OK rather than me. I'm more than all right with striving to do so.

As of late though, I feel I've led myself astray from such. I've abandoned what's stood as priority to me for so long. In my mind, I've put my happiness trumping those I care about. And it's a feeling I can't shake. Is my happiness worth causing someone else pain or knowing another is struggling or unhappy? No. My heart's content relies on reassurance those around me are happy. And I've failed my own self in this. So, how do I fix it? I'm unworthy of the happiness I feel.

I want sunshine and flowers and rainbows to follow you everywhere you travel. Rays of love and comfort whirling you into its arms. Soft landings under your feet when you fall. Open doors and windows to grant you your greatest desires. A future anxiously awaiting your presence. I want love to never leave you and encouragement through the darkest of days. Positive thinking and smiley faces striking your heart. Good health wherever you may step. I want you to feel only kindness in your touch, nothing can bring you down. To feel, happy. This is my happy I want for you. If you're reading this, more than likely I want only this for you. You are one of my chosen ones. If only I could push this onto everyone in my life I know is more than deserving of this. And if only life were really capable of such things.

Maybe I'm unrealistic in my desires and wants for others. Maybe I'm unrealistic of my own self as it is. I can only try and try to be better though. Strive to be a better person because of the ones who have shown me the same. Maybe I'll always want more than what I'm capable of, I do not know. I can only continue to be who I am and hope for knowing I'm possible of growth and change just like any other. In the meantime, I wish for you, a happy day and happy thoughts...now and forever.

Pray for Japan

Today, tomorrow, and into the future we are all as one. Pray for Japan. Do your part. Donate. Day of Silence. Send relief. God created us as brothers and sisters in this world, and now more than ever do we need to provide aid to those in need. Come together.

It's Real.

My depth, it grows for you.

Stronger, indestructible and immense with every new day.

A depth, so deep and so real that it scares me more with every possibility of knowing you can leave. Knowing you can take back your words, your feelings, your thoughts and send me to a spiraling downfall. Leaving me or deciding you cannot put yourself through this, cannot be happy with me, creates the last line for me, nothing after, nothing to hope for.

I see my heart, feel it, continue to mend it. And in it, is you. Dig far enough and you'll realize how much you are sealed into me. This isn't another cycle. How much this truly is as real as I tell you it is. Show me you, and I'll show you even more of me.

I fear losing you, losing your faith in this, losing your love. You have mine, you know this, and I have yours so please do not run off with what I've given you. Both broken and hurt, I am not only holding a love for you but the true being of who I am. You possess me, all of me and show me who I am in ways I never imagined.

I want you to, need you to believe in me and believe what I feel for you, see you as and want you as. There's no surmountable pile of love to physically show. No x-ray vision to peer into me and see how fast my heart beats when you're near. I can't show you inside my emotions and brain to allow you to read and comprehend what this is for me. Can't take yourself outside of your body and see through my eyes what it is that captivates me about you. But, I can tell you and express a small amount of what truly exists for you. A blessing and connection. A heart on a sleeve. A will and fight to never surrender.

I'm scared you'll leave me, nervous you can't believe me. Nothing so certain about my love for you compares to my past. I am not my past and need you to place my heart in yours. I'm not leaving. I'm not running. I'm not faltering in any way. I am here, ready. Believe in me, and I'll show you my world forever. Keep me as yours.

Feelings to Write Home About.

Why can't people just let themselves FEEL. Since when should mind over matter take importance or doubting what you think is right for you? Letting fear take hold of the wheel only leads to collision and heartache.

Just feel. Let it in. Stop questioning.

You feel something because you're human, you're real. You deserve it. Whatever life throws at us should be taken with grace, not always understanding, but allowed for change and more often than not good change. God didn't create us to always follow what our minds show us...He wouldn't have died for us if He didn't feel and love. It's compassion. It's strength. It's getting a dose of medicine we can all use.

Sure, our minds contain our highest knowledge and being, understanding and intelligence, but it's our heart and emotion that give us growth and experience. Whether through love, loss, heart break, or moving forward, we see so much clearer when feelings overcome thinking. We really are our own worst enemies, always beating ourselves up over this and that, never being satisfied and always wanting more. We're battered, broken and shattered by others but do exactly the same to ourselves. We allow our brains to twist and turn and misconstrue every fiber of within us, every experience, every thought, every feeling of existence. And why? For what? To confuse ourselves into thinking we know best rather than what we feel?

Our hearts and emotions were meant to subside to thinking for a reason. Choose being a robot and stiff or choose to be human and real. We've been given a gift of feeling, and I don't plan to let it go to waste. It makes the other half of who I am.

In and Out of Dreams.

I experienced yet another frightening dream last night. It's actually one that's occurred more than once, but this time I woke a little more anxious about it than previous dreams.

I had a dream I was losing all of my bottom row teeth. One by one, they were continuously falling out for no reason. I could simply pluck each one without effort and away it would surrender to my grasp. My dream Kim was scared and anxious from it, what was going on?! I didn't want to smile and kept trying to do everything in my power from anymore falling out. Alas, I could still feel the next one wiggling free by the touch of my tongue.

Ever have that dream? Not even the teeth falling out one. Just those ridiculous, sometimes heart-wrenching dreams that jolt you back to reality and leave you feeling more exhausted after waking. As of late, well, the past several months, I often wake up in slumber to find myself anxious and baring sweat everywhere on my body. At first I knew it was a reaction to my medication as a common side effect, but months later this still happening makes me think my dreams have captured my entire being during the R.E.M cycle. More often than not my dreams are so vivid and extreme it makes me so overwhelmed with what just happened. I can't decide if this is positive or not. Obviously it reveals I'm getting in some major deep sleep.

According to bellaonline.com, Deanna Joseph writes it's important to pay attention to how you feel during a dream or when a certain event occurs.

-Are you embarrassed about losing teeth? This may indicate a fear of failure, or you are worried about making a bad choice.

I'm more than embarrassed from what I remember. And in the real state of things, I always fear failure or disappointment or letting those in my life down. Is it more so true and of importance now? I think more than ever I fear disappointing my parents and family that I haven't found a job still. They've been nothing but supportive, encouraging and financially keeping me above ground for longer than necessary. I want my time to come to prove I can make my own. I'm trying, but maybe I fear I'm sinking with doubt. Pleasing others has always been more than important to me, sometimes too much that I overly concern myself with this task. Is it happening more now than usual? I suppose.

-Are you anxious about losing teeth? Any anxiety in dreams generally means there is something in real life that's also causing anxiety. Do you have anxiety about changes coming up? Are you fearful about making a wrong decision?

Again, this strikes the "getting a real job" and "finally growing up" portion spot on. The constant questioning and curious hits at, "How's the job search going? Have you had any bites or leads? Hang in there, the right job will show up. You're not the only one, it's OK. Have you tried this? Or tried doing this?" are all just plain concern, I know, but it's even more demanding and more pressure coming from every single person in my life. I am blessed for the care from others though. I think it's just catching up with me more after going at this for months. Are my falling teeth every bad decision I'm fearful of making?

Maybe none of this actually refers to my part in getting a job. Maybe it's something completely different, who knows. Maybe this is really calling even my subconcious to this fact. Should I take a look at other aspects of my being too?

If anything, I'd like to have a better understanding and interpretation of the so-very active and animated dreams I have. Why so ridiculous?! A few years back I found out I had a strange connection with the Alice in Wonderland novels and their writer Lewis Carrol. My mom had seen a documentary on the author and how he first envisioned Alice's adventures as she grew and shrank while the rest of the world continued around her. Maybe a large portion was LSD-envoked for Carroll, but he also dreamed these happenings to because he'd experienced them first-hand. Come to find out, I would dream for years of shrinking and growing and becoming more and more frightening of falling asleep every night. The feeling was unexplainable and more of apprehension than anything. I was plain scared. I guess they refer to this as "Alice in Wonderland syndrome" now. Weird, but makes sense to me years later.

This and last night's dream makes me consider whether our slumber thoughts and feelings and emotions hold truer and more meaning than what we imagine. Sometimes I really do wish I would have studied the psychology of dreaming and all those lucid perceptions they have. I think of the movie Inception too. What's reality to us? Are we simply planting ideas and thoughts from everyday life then? Are we lost in our own dream?

Maybe we're all simply walking around and going through the motions of life when in reality, we're only dreaming.

Let Life Decide.

Let me in.

Allow me to enter your world; let me expose you to the depths of my love. Allow my love to protect you without doubt, fear and questioning. Give me your all because I've given you mine. My heart is in your hands, jumping at you to take hold of it and never release. Bind yourself around me and all my being. I want to be that for you. My love is a shelter, a guidance from the dark. It's a fight against the unknown.

I want, desire all of you completely or nothing at all. Don't give me only half because I require you full. If you push, I pull. If you fight, I fight harder. I don't provide everything I am on a whim to only be let down and let go so please, don't barrier yourself between me and opening you up. Love is a challenge, a struggle and obstacle of all sorts. The winners are the ones who endure through the pain only to be stronger, closer and more connected than before. And I want that finish line with you right next to me.

You dig up my deepest fears, my deepest emotions, my deepest kept hidings. But I've succumbed to your unwavering force pulling me further along. I can't help but love you. Can't help but have you near. My heart speaks louder than my mind and gives more judgement on the book of love. You can't deny what your heart feels. I need you in my life for a reason, need you to fix me again. Show me the way, hold my hand and tell me you'll be by my side. I want to be there for you and catch you when you falter. Never do I release my entire being to someone in expectation of being taken advantage of or vulnerable to hurt. You make me want to scroll back the curtain and put the window up. I'm letting you see everything wanting even more for you to show me yours. We need each other only to rebuild together and mend our broken parts.

I won't break you, lead you to distrust. I'll prove to you the dedication I possess capable of lifting you up and surrounding you with loyalty. Just lend me your faith and care and you won't need to think twice again. I promise from now until forever. Please don't hurt me as I would never to you because you're becoming the half to my whole and strength to the weaknesses that have bogged me down entirely too long. My feet were dragging and you've picked me up again. We took the risk and now lend ourselves to fate in keeping us together and revealing our meeting in life wasn't just coincidence or in passing. Take this next step with me.

You have my heart now, everything I am. I give you me. Want you to be a part of me. And I hold you tighter only to be a part of you and be given what I know you can't let go. Help fix me again, a struggle I've given up on in finding myself. I'll help you too. Give me a chance and let love in.

Skinned Knees.

I miss my childhood.

I miss the days that didn't matter, the sticky summer nights turning into the crisp fall days.

I miss the simplicity of love, compassion, and trust.

-And I miss the ease to regain those three without all the angst packaged with it.

I miss the ability to forgive and forget in a matter of 10 minutes and being shut in my bedroom.

I miss sun-kissed skin and chlorine-smelling hair pulled into a tight ponytail, pieces carelessly falling and dancing in the wind against me running.

I miss mindless chatter filling my days.

I miss pretending.

-And I miss the endless creativity to go along with it.

I miss games and skits and skipping.

I miss not having to worry about the following day, worry about what's already happened and can't be changed, worry about the future.

I miss bike rides to nowhere.

I miss laying in the grass, fingertips grazing the tips, a linger of yesterday's adventures.

I miss playing dress up.

I miss snack time and fun messes.

I miss scheduled naps.

I miss shrieking about nothing, running with only my spirit tagging along.

I miss building room forts and camping out in them all day.

I miss when boys had cooties.

I miss not having consequences.

-Or at least learning them the easy way.

I miss never understanding the significance of death and passing, losing and moving on.

I miss loving unconditionally and being loved in return with a simple hug.

I miss holding hands with my best friends forever.

I miss the impossibility of a broken heart.

-And miss when a broken heart only meant having to get rid of a raggedy stuffed animal.

I miss when lies and cheating didn't shatter honesty and loyalty.

I miss climbing up into my daddy's lap just because.

I miss being teased by my older, bigger brother.

-And him receiving the blame for whatever occurred.

I miss never having to look back; there was no regret, no shame, no guilt.

I miss thinking I still came from my mommy's tummy.

I miss sleepovers.

I miss having no barriers and allowing anyone and everyone in with a gracious heart.

I miss putting all faith in my toys and parents.

-And this is without the possibility of losing hope.

I miss being naive to the world around me, to the broken world waiting to consume me, to the broken people and society.

I miss not feeling complete sorrow, heartache and pain.

I miss love meaning hugging my mother when she's upset.

I miss my baby blanket.

I miss the words and feelings and emotions which use to flow from my mouth to anyone who would listen, without worrying what others might think and judge or ignore.

I miss thinking my prince charming will rescue me and we'll live happily ever after.

I miss crying simply because I broke my plastic bracelet, not because I failed another relationship or situation.

I miss it all.

I miss just....being...existing...living.

I miss my skinned knees.

What it means to me.

You've probably heard me talk of KCC more often than not. And if you haven't heard me speak of it, you probably don't spend enough time with me.

Korean Culture Camp, what is it? What does it mean? How's it different from any other summer camp? A former camper had asked me to send her a short blurb of how KCC distinguishes itself from any other camp and why for a speech she was working on. It's something I haven't ever truly put much thought into let alone written it out....I just knew what it was and how I felt towards it. I had to take a moment to consume all thinking around this idea and the way I see it. Why do we put so much stock and trust into this camp when the outside world might not understand it like we do...

First and foremost, we're a family. It's a bond you won't find anywhere else I can promise you this. Literally like super glue. Sometimes sticky and a mess but seals like a charm and without faltering. Above all else, trusting in its strength. These nine other counselors...endless amounts of Korean-American campers...they're in my life for good, forever. We're there as support and comfort, encouragement and strength. We understand one another in ways no one else could. An unexplainable bond. An unexplainable mutual love for one another. An unexplainable relationship to people I usually only see a few times a year. An unexplainable desire to fill my life with them.

We're a family because we answer with no questions asked. We'll drop anything at a call, text, email to be there when need be. We won't judge, call each other names or back stab. We're true, immensely loyal and brothers and sisters. Don't ask us to break this band because...we won't. We'll defend until the end. And unfortunately, we aren't always so quick to let just anyone in....into our family...into our hearts. Once you're "in," you're there for good.

KCC is also a place of comfort and acceptance. Adoption isn't easy. Growing through childhood and your teens is difficult enough but then to add a life of questioning and doubt and guilt because of an uncontrollable situation makes it unfair and an immense burden. Ask any one of the 45 campers and they'll agree. Ask any one of the nine other counselors and they'll agree. KCC serves as a medium to Korean-adopted children to better help their adjustment to growing up Korean-American...helping to solidify two completely different identities and cultures. We incorporate the Korean background...history, language, food, traditions, dance, music and crafts to create a heritage these campers can be proud of, to be able to identify and claim as their own while also possessing the American culture as the same. And we as counselors are there as real people to balance the struggles of truly defining oneself or coming to terms with adoption. There's no dividing line among any campers or counselors, nothing that can't be asked.

The camp isn't just a five-day, four-night summer stay away, it's a bridge to accepting yourself as a Korean-American adoptee and taking pride in your cultures. We're able to expose the campers to all areas of the Korean background while also serving as guides to help emotionally and mentally against what hurts us the most and what we're unable to always come to terms with.

I've found friendships and relationships with the campers, counselors and families...I've found myself again after growing up in the camp and then being asked back as a counselor...I've found the balancing side to what makes KCC complete...I've found what I had been searching for all my life...I've found true acceptance...I've found love...I've found one of the strongest friendships in my life through a 32 year old...I've found one of the most brilliant and enlightening characters in a 7 year old...I've found a complete love for nine young women who were stronger at 15, 16 and 17 than I ever was...I've found nine other people to wrap my life around...I've found a place I grew up in to call my own...I've found strength in 45 campers.

KCC -- You have my heart.

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http://on.fb.me/hFOATh (2010)

http://on.fb.me/f6T7oC (2009)