Be OK

Is it possible to be too happy?

More lately than not I've questioned this for myself.

I'm happy. And more than just content. The future stands at my doorstep banging louder and louder every day, but I finally see an open door and opportunity. Why? Because of who exists in my life. What I've realized is necessary for growth at this moment in my life. The burden of being stuck in this limbo but keeping an open mind for the future. Someone who gives me the strength and support I need and love tucked deeper and deeper within every day I'm blessed to wake up to. It's the people I'm thankful for. An unexpected turn in my life the past months but only to make me more appreciative of the opportunities I'm granted. Living a life I wouldn't have envisioned seven months ago but loving what I possess more and more as the days pass.

This happiness, do I deserve it? Should it be seized from me when I'm a hypocrite of my own self?

I've always lived by trying my damnedest to put others before myself and do everything in my possible power to make sure they are happy over me. Call it a shameful, selfish plug if you want, but it's the truth. I'd rather surround the lives of those I care most about with happiness and strength and love over my own. Make those I love important and ensuring they're OK rather than me. I'm more than all right with striving to do so.

As of late though, I feel I've led myself astray from such. I've abandoned what's stood as priority to me for so long. In my mind, I've put my happiness trumping those I care about. And it's a feeling I can't shake. Is my happiness worth causing someone else pain or knowing another is struggling or unhappy? No. My heart's content relies on reassurance those around me are happy. And I've failed my own self in this. So, how do I fix it? I'm unworthy of the happiness I feel.

I want sunshine and flowers and rainbows to follow you everywhere you travel. Rays of love and comfort whirling you into its arms. Soft landings under your feet when you fall. Open doors and windows to grant you your greatest desires. A future anxiously awaiting your presence. I want love to never leave you and encouragement through the darkest of days. Positive thinking and smiley faces striking your heart. Good health wherever you may step. I want you to feel only kindness in your touch, nothing can bring you down. To feel, happy. This is my happy I want for you. If you're reading this, more than likely I want only this for you. You are one of my chosen ones. If only I could push this onto everyone in my life I know is more than deserving of this. And if only life were really capable of such things.

Maybe I'm unrealistic in my desires and wants for others. Maybe I'm unrealistic of my own self as it is. I can only try and try to be better though. Strive to be a better person because of the ones who have shown me the same. Maybe I'll always want more than what I'm capable of, I do not know. I can only continue to be who I am and hope for knowing I'm possible of growth and change just like any other. In the meantime, I wish for you, a happy day and happy thoughts...now and forever.