Be OK

Is it possible to be too happy?

More lately than not I've questioned this for myself.

I'm happy. And more than just content. The future stands at my doorstep banging louder and louder every day, but I finally see an open door and opportunity. Why? Because of who exists in my life. What I've realized is necessary for growth at this moment in my life. The burden of being stuck in this limbo but keeping an open mind for the future. Someone who gives me the strength and support I need and love tucked deeper and deeper within every day I'm blessed to wake up to. It's the people I'm thankful for. An unexpected turn in my life the past months but only to make me more appreciative of the opportunities I'm granted. Living a life I wouldn't have envisioned seven months ago but loving what I possess more and more as the days pass.

This happiness, do I deserve it? Should it be seized from me when I'm a hypocrite of my own self?

I've always lived by trying my damnedest to put others before myself and do everything in my possible power to make sure they are happy over me. Call it a shameful, selfish plug if you want, but it's the truth. I'd rather surround the lives of those I care most about with happiness and strength and love over my own. Make those I love important and ensuring they're OK rather than me. I'm more than all right with striving to do so.

As of late though, I feel I've led myself astray from such. I've abandoned what's stood as priority to me for so long. In my mind, I've put my happiness trumping those I care about. And it's a feeling I can't shake. Is my happiness worth causing someone else pain or knowing another is struggling or unhappy? No. My heart's content relies on reassurance those around me are happy. And I've failed my own self in this. So, how do I fix it? I'm unworthy of the happiness I feel.

I want sunshine and flowers and rainbows to follow you everywhere you travel. Rays of love and comfort whirling you into its arms. Soft landings under your feet when you fall. Open doors and windows to grant you your greatest desires. A future anxiously awaiting your presence. I want love to never leave you and encouragement through the darkest of days. Positive thinking and smiley faces striking your heart. Good health wherever you may step. I want you to feel only kindness in your touch, nothing can bring you down. To feel, happy. This is my happy I want for you. If you're reading this, more than likely I want only this for you. You are one of my chosen ones. If only I could push this onto everyone in my life I know is more than deserving of this. And if only life were really capable of such things.

Maybe I'm unrealistic in my desires and wants for others. Maybe I'm unrealistic of my own self as it is. I can only try and try to be better though. Strive to be a better person because of the ones who have shown me the same. Maybe I'll always want more than what I'm capable of, I do not know. I can only continue to be who I am and hope for knowing I'm possible of growth and change just like any other. In the meantime, I wish for you, a happy day and happy thoughts...now and forever.

Pray for Japan

Today, tomorrow, and into the future we are all as one. Pray for Japan. Do your part. Donate. Day of Silence. Send relief. God created us as brothers and sisters in this world, and now more than ever do we need to provide aid to those in need. Come together.

It's Real.

My depth, it grows for you.

Stronger, indestructible and immense with every new day.

A depth, so deep and so real that it scares me more with every possibility of knowing you can leave. Knowing you can take back your words, your feelings, your thoughts and send me to a spiraling downfall. Leaving me or deciding you cannot put yourself through this, cannot be happy with me, creates the last line for me, nothing after, nothing to hope for.

I see my heart, feel it, continue to mend it. And in it, is you. Dig far enough and you'll realize how much you are sealed into me. This isn't another cycle. How much this truly is as real as I tell you it is. Show me you, and I'll show you even more of me.

I fear losing you, losing your faith in this, losing your love. You have mine, you know this, and I have yours so please do not run off with what I've given you. Both broken and hurt, I am not only holding a love for you but the true being of who I am. You possess me, all of me and show me who I am in ways I never imagined.

I want you to, need you to believe in me and believe what I feel for you, see you as and want you as. There's no surmountable pile of love to physically show. No x-ray vision to peer into me and see how fast my heart beats when you're near. I can't show you inside my emotions and brain to allow you to read and comprehend what this is for me. Can't take yourself outside of your body and see through my eyes what it is that captivates me about you. But, I can tell you and express a small amount of what truly exists for you. A blessing and connection. A heart on a sleeve. A will and fight to never surrender.

I'm scared you'll leave me, nervous you can't believe me. Nothing so certain about my love for you compares to my past. I am not my past and need you to place my heart in yours. I'm not leaving. I'm not running. I'm not faltering in any way. I am here, ready. Believe in me, and I'll show you my world forever. Keep me as yours.

Feelings to Write Home About.

Why can't people just let themselves FEEL. Since when should mind over matter take importance or doubting what you think is right for you? Letting fear take hold of the wheel only leads to collision and heartache.

Just feel. Let it in. Stop questioning.

You feel something because you're human, you're real. You deserve it. Whatever life throws at us should be taken with grace, not always understanding, but allowed for change and more often than not good change. God didn't create us to always follow what our minds show us...He wouldn't have died for us if He didn't feel and love. It's compassion. It's strength. It's getting a dose of medicine we can all use.

Sure, our minds contain our highest knowledge and being, understanding and intelligence, but it's our heart and emotion that give us growth and experience. Whether through love, loss, heart break, or moving forward, we see so much clearer when feelings overcome thinking. We really are our own worst enemies, always beating ourselves up over this and that, never being satisfied and always wanting more. We're battered, broken and shattered by others but do exactly the same to ourselves. We allow our brains to twist and turn and misconstrue every fiber of within us, every experience, every thought, every feeling of existence. And why? For what? To confuse ourselves into thinking we know best rather than what we feel?

Our hearts and emotions were meant to subside to thinking for a reason. Choose being a robot and stiff or choose to be human and real. We've been given a gift of feeling, and I don't plan to let it go to waste. It makes the other half of who I am.